Being Punny

[bmurphypdx]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

 

He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to

be an optical Aleutian.

 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a

weapon of math disruption.

 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Blownapart.

 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking

into it.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the

other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at

large.

 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned

veteran.

 

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count

that votes.

 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

 

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess

looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per

passenger.'

 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says

'Dam!'

 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the

craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your

kayak and heat it too.

 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other

says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root

canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at

least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

[ltljohn]

Thanks, I needed that!

[yabadabapal]

I love these, thanks.

Here is one I just made up.

If you have to many toes, Triple A will cancel your service.

That one really sucks but I tried.

 

[Caddis]

Thanks, I like it.

 

Sometimes people post immature puns, but those were definitely full groan...

[chrisd]

Thanks, I needed that!

 

Me too. Excellent.

[SageRider]

[upflying]

Make this mandatory in ESL classes.

[bmw_rider]

Time flies, you can't their paths are too irregular.

[Rockrib]

Attila the Pun rides again.

[artig]

I told her no sensible man would take her dancing in her bikini. So she went with a little moron.

 

Back seat driving is a form of duel control.

 

A white lie is aversion of the truth.

 

Is a group of trainee Secret Service agents aspiring?

 

Most pop fans are star-craving mad.

 

A lady cellist lost her job through making her scherzo short.

 

When she said I could make her mine I knew she was a gold-digger.

 

If a man asks a woman to help him with a crowbar it's because he can't lever alone.

 

She put her arms around me, squeezed, and said "this is my only vice".

 

A true adman writes the prose and cons.

 

A bank manager's job to get you a loan and make advances.

 

I dislike you some days, but love unites.

 

(all from "A pun my soul" by Alan F G Lewis)

[Survived-til-now]

Great - now I know what to cut up and insert into the Xmas Crackers - far better than the ones normally in them

[markgoodrich]

Further evidence of the Decline of America. For generations gourds have been used to create all manner of holiday decorative items, such as jack o' lanterns, angels, and of course, Santas.

 

Here, we see a Chinese porcelain Santa made to look like the traditional American folk art.

 

 

GOURDLESS COMMUNISTS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD.

[Tank]

Further evidence of the Decline of America. For generations gourds have been used to create all manner of holiday decorative items, such as jack o' lanterns, angels, and of course, Santas.

 

Here, we see a Chinese porcelain Santa made to look like the traditional American folk art.

 

 

GOURDLESS COMMUNISTS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They must be out of their gourds