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For all your not-so-fit riders...... like me


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Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter

(the dear) purchased a week of personal training

at the local health club for me.


Although I am still in great shape

since being a high school football cheerleader

43 years ago,

I decided it would be a good idea

to go ahead and give it a try.


I called the club and made my reservations

with a personal trainer named Belinda,

who identified herself

as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor

and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.


My daughter seemed pleased

with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary

to chart my progress.



Started my day at 6:00 a.m.

Tough to get out of bed,

but found it was well worth it

when I arrived at the health club

to find Belinda waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess -

with blond hair, dancing eyes,

and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!


Belinda gave me a tour and

showed me the machines.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way

in which she conducted her aerobics class

after my workout today.

Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,

although my gut was already aching

from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!



I drank a whole pot of coffee,

but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back,

and push a heavy iron bar into the air,

then she put weights on it!


My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,

but I made the full mile.

Belinda's rewarding smile

made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT-!!

It's a whole new life for me.



The only way I can brush my teeth

is by laying the toothbrush on the counter,

and moving my mouth back and forth over it.

I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.


Driving was OK

as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.


Belinda was impatient with me,

insisting that my screams bothered

other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky

for that early in the morning

and when she scolds,

she gets this nasally whine

that is VERY annoying.


My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,

so Belinda put me on the stair monster.

Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to

simulate an activity

rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me

it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other crap too.



Belinda was waiting for me

with her vampire-like teeth exposed,

as her thin, cruel lips

were pulled back in a full snarl.

I couldn't help being a half an hour late -

it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out

with dumbbells.

When she was not looking,

I ran and hid in the restroom.

She sent another skinny witch to find me.


Then, as punishment,

she put me on the rowing machine --

which I sank.



I hate Belinda more than any human being

has ever hated any other human being

in the history of the world.

Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little witch.

If there was a part of my body I could move

without unbearable pain,

I would beat her with it.


Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.

I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor,

don't hand me the stupid barbells,

or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.


The treadmill flung me off,

and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer,

like the drama coach or the choir director?



Belinda left a message

on my answering machine

in her grating, shrilly voice,

wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing her voice

made me want to smash the machine

with my planner;

however, I lacked the strength

to even use the TV remote,

and ended up catching

eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.



I'm having the Church van pick me up

for services today ~

so I can go and thank GOD

that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year my daughter

(the little brat) will choose a gift for me

that is fun --

like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over,

he would have sprinkled the floor

with diamonds!!!


Send this to a friend

who needs to laugh.

We all need a good laugh.

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or a hysterectomy.


Francois... is there something you have not told us? :rofl::dopeslap:


You may want to have prefaced that little story is from a woman's perspective and not yours...

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Calvin  (no socks)

After last weeks "Naked" story I thought it was you........ :grin:


till the afore mentioned Hysterectomy came up...


Would you really have lasted the week? :wave:







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I went up to the desk at my gym to complain. They increased the gravity after the holidays! I knew the weights felt heavier, but I wasn't positive until I used the scales in the locker room. Yep, they've increased the gravity in that place by about ten pounds.



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"I will also pray that next year my daughter

(the little brat) will choose a gift for me

that is fun --

like a root canal or a Cystoscopie."


Fixed it for ya.





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