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For all your not-so-fit riders...... like me


Francois_Dumas

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Francois_Dumas

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter

(the dear) purchased a week of personal training

at the local health club for me.

 

Although I am still in great shape

since being a high school football cheerleader

43 years ago,

I decided it would be a good idea

to go ahead and give it a try.

 

I called the club and made my reservations

with a personal trainer named Belinda,

who identified herself

as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor

and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

 

My daughter seemed pleased

with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary

to chart my progress.

 

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m.

Tough to get out of bed,

but found it was well worth it

when I arrived at the health club

to find Belinda waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess -

with blond hair, dancing eyes,

and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

 

Belinda gave me a tour and

showed me the machines.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way

in which she conducted her aerobics class

after my workout today.

Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,

although my gut was already aching

from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

 

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee,

but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back,

and push a heavy iron bar into the air,

then she put weights on it!

 

My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,

but I made the full mile.

Belinda's rewarding smile

made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT-!!

It's a whole new life for me.

 

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth

is by laying the toothbrush on the counter,

and moving my mouth back and forth over it.

I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

 

Driving was OK

as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

 

Belinda was impatient with me,

insisting that my screams bothered

other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky

for that early in the morning

and when she scolds,

she gets this nasally whine

that is VERY annoying.

 

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,

so Belinda put me on the stair monster.

Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to

simulate an activity

rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me

it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other crap too.

 

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me

with her vampire-like teeth exposed,

as her thin, cruel lips

were pulled back in a full snarl.

I couldn't help being a half an hour late -

it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out

with dumbbells.

When she was not looking,

I ran and hid in the restroom.

She sent another skinny witch to find me.

 

Then, as punishment,

she put me on the rowing machine --

which I sank.

 

FRIDAY:

I hate Belinda more than any human being

has ever hated any other human being

in the history of the world.

Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little witch.

If there was a part of my body I could move

without unbearable pain,

I would beat her with it.

 

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.

I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor,

don't hand me the stupid barbells,

or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

 

The treadmill flung me off,

and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer,

like the drama coach or the choir director?

 

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message

on my answering machine

in her grating, shrilly voice,

wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing her voice

made me want to smash the machine

with my planner;

however, I lacked the strength

to even use the TV remote,

and ended up catching

eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

 

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up

for services today ~

so I can go and thank GOD

that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year my daughter

(the little brat) will choose a gift for me

that is fun --

like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over,

he would have sprinkled the floor

with diamonds!!!

 

Send this to a friend

who needs to laugh.

We all need a good laugh.

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or a hysterectomy.

 

Francois... is there something you have not told us? :rofl::dopeslap:

 

You may want to have prefaced that little story is from a woman's perspective and not yours...

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Calvin  (no socks)

After last weeks "Naked" story I thought it was you........ :grin:

 

till the afore mentioned Hysterectomy came up...

 

Would you really have lasted the week? :wave:

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I went up to the desk at my gym to complain. They increased the gravity after the holidays! I knew the weights felt heavier, but I wasn't positive until I used the scales in the locker room. Yep, they've increased the gravity in that place by about ten pounds.

 

 

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Harry_Wilshusen

 

 

"I will also pray that next year my daughter

(the little brat) will choose a gift for me

that is fun --

like a root canal or a Cystoscopie."

 

Fixed it for ya.

 

 

 

Harry

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