Men are just happier

[blkvelvt]

I don't know if this has been posted here before......

 

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

 

 

NICKNAMES

 

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

 

EATING OUT

 

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

 

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

 

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

 

* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

FUTURE

 

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS

 

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE

 

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does..

 

DRESSING UP

 

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

 

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

 

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

 

 

[FlyingFinn]

Many of those are really funny. But some are so true it's not even funny....

 

--

Mikko

[Matts_12GS]

Reminds me of why men die before their wives...

 

They want to.

 

Hi honey!

[leikam]

Ah, another couch list.

[Rottweiler]

A woman will fake an orgasm to get a relationship.

 

A man will fake a relationship to get an orgasm.

 

[Husker Red]

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

This one is true in my house.

 

I saw one on a fishing board one time that said "One of my greatest fears is that when I die my wife will sell all my fishing gear for what I told her I paid for it."

[Matts_12GS]

A woman will fake an orgasm to get a relationship.

 

A man will fake a relationship to get an orgasm.

 

That's funny...

[Fugu]

MARRIAGE

 

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does..

 

 

 

Oof.

 

 

[Gregori]

Sung to the song of the children's nursery song:

 

If you're single and you're happy, you're a man, (clap-clap)

If you're single and you're happy, you're a man, (clap-clap)

If you're happy flying solo, and a "soulmate" is a no-no,

Then you're single, and you're happy, and a MAN!

 

Authored by yours truly - seen for the first time in 'print' right here.

(Despite being happily married for something close to 20 years...)

[Quinn]

I'm not allowed to comment on this topic.

 

 

[blkvelvt]

Sung to the song of the children's nursery song:

 

If you're single and you're happy, you're a man, (clap-clap)

If you're single and you're happy, you're a man, (clap-clap)

If you're happy flying solo, and a "soulmate" is a no-no,

Then you're single, and you're happy, and a MAN!

 

Authored by yours truly - seen for the first time in 'print' right here.

(Despite being happily married for something close to 20 years...)

What a woman says:

 

"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

 

What a man hears:

 

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON

blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I

blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES

blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

 

 

 

[Mark K]

I don't really have anything I can or should add (I just sent the thread to my wife), but I gotta say I'm enjoying it thus far....

[Les is more]

Well, as long as we're rolling out the stereotypes--

 

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

 

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

 

 

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

 

Telling you his real name.

 

 

Q. Why did the man cross the road?

A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

 

And here is a woman's guide to understanding a man.

[Gregori]

It's been around the net a few times... But:

 

How to Change Motor Oil: Men vs. Women

 

WOMEN:

 

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

 

Money Spent:

$20.00 Oil Change

$1.00 Coffee

----------------

$21.00 Total

 

 

MEN:

 

1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left breast.

32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car.

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.

 

Total Time Spent ???

Money Spent:

$50 parts

$12 beer

$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!

$1000 Bail

$200 Impound and towing fee

---------------------------

$1337 Total

 

(Hey - is it time for the next Tech Daze yet???)

[Joe Frickin' Friday]

Well, as long as we're rolling out the stereotypes--

 

OK!

 

Facts about Men.

 

 

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

 

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

 

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

 

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

 

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

 

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

 

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

 

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

 

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

 

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

 

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

 

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

 

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

 

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

 

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

 

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

 

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

 

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

 

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

 

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

 

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?

 

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

 

23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

 

24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

 

25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

 

26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

 

27. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

 

28. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

[Harry_Wilshusen]

WIFE SAYS: I'm not wearing underwear.

HUSBAND THINKS: Great! I'm getting laid tonight.

 

 

HUSBAND SAYS: I'm not wearing underwear.

WIFE THINKS: Great! I've got to wash those pants twice.

[Gregori]

This is true from my own experience:

When a man is told about a problem, his response is most likely to try to fix it - "Here's what you've gotta do..."

When a woman is told about a problem her response is generally one of sympathy - "Oh, that's awful! You poor thing..." When she shares one, that's the response she wants!

(I keep forgetting this, and I can't begin to tell you the hot water I've created/landed in.)

 

Animals...

Women: "Oooh - Look at the cute little baby cows!"

Men: "Ooh - Look at all that VEAL!"

(Yeah - I get my chops busted for that one too, especially when we're out with the kids...)

[Matts_12GS]

When my wife and I were first dating we had lunch one summer afternoon at her grandmother's house. As her planning on moving to FL would put her closer to the rest of the family they were quite pleased.

 

Her mother asked me, "Matt, we're getting Dianne closer to us with this relationship, what are you getting out of it?"

 

I said, "a newer car with air conditioning"

 

Those that know her can ask her yourselves...

[90%angel]

When a man is told about a problem, his response is most likely to try to fix it - "Here's what you've gotta do..."

When a woman is told about a problem her response is generally one of sympathy - "Oh, that's awful! You poor thing..." When she shares one, that's the response she wants!

 

This is true...it's especially frustrating when they try to retroactively fix a problem. You tell them about something that has already happened, and they say, well "why didn't you do this", or "you could have just done that". Well it's too late to do any of that now (unless you've perfected the time machine!), so why don't you just say "oh, I'm so sorry" (or whatever the appropriate response is)!!

[Fugu]

so why don't you just say "oh, I'm so sorry" (or whatever the appropriate response is)!!

 

Probably the same reason women tell us this sort of stuff when you ALREADY KNOW what our answer's going to be, and that it's going to be the wrong sort of answer.

 

 

[OoPEZoO]

or whatever the appropriate response is

 

umm.....WE DON'T KNOW THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE. Sorry, not programmed that way. I only know how to break stuff and fix stuff. Danielle never gets the appropriate response, but she doesn't appear to be willing to give up trying to get it out of me

[leikam]

Every woman grows up to be her mother: it is her curse. No man does, and that is his.

[Fugu]

Every woman grows up to be her mother: it is her curse. No man does, and that is his.

 

Well, that and we turn into our fathers.

 

I got the good parts, and unfortunately the bad parts came bundled with them.

[leikam]

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

 

Department store merchandizers have noticed this too. That's why the men's department is usually placed so that women need to walk past all sorts of sparkly, shiny and fashionable crack on sale in order to buy socks for a man who hates to shop. And he wonders why buying a those socks takes her 2 hours and costs $500.

[ltljohn]

When my wife and I were first dating we had lunch one summer afternoon at her grandmother's house. As her planning on moving to FL would put her closer to the rest of the family they were quite pleased.

 

Her mother asked me, "Matt, we're getting Dianne closer to us with this relationship, what are you getting out of it?"

 

I said, "a newer car with air conditioning"

 

Those that know her can ask her yourselves...

 

Didn't you give that same grandmother a "Dung Bunny" as a gift once?

[90%angel]

Doesn't seem that hard to me:

 

Female: "I spilled coffee all over my new white blouse!"

Male: "Bummer. I'm sorry! What a way to start your day." Bonus points: "I'm sure the cleaner can get it out." EXTRA bonus points: "You can go buy a new blouse this weekend!"

 

Female: "I got a promotion!" Male: "Congrats! I am so proud of you!" Bonus points: "Let's go to dinner to celebrate!" Extra bonus points: (saying "let's go to dinner to celebrate" and not expecting your own reward later for taking her to dinner, if you know what I mean...)!

 

Female: "I can't believe so and so said [insert comment]...how mean!" Male: "What a jerk!" Bonus points: "Well I don't think [say opposite of what so and so said]" Extra Bonus points: if you know so and so, say something mean but true about them (i.e., "well what do you expect from someone whose only mission in life is to get ahead, no matter who they step on?"). Or just make up something funny about them so we laugh: "well, her hair looks like bozo the clown's drunk uncle, so..."

 

See? Nobody tried to figure out WHY we spilled coffee on us, or talk about exactly how much extra money the promotion will bring and what we should spend it on, or figure out what we did to make so and so say what they said, and how we can deal with so and so on an on going basis!

 

 

 

[Matts_12GS]

 

Didn't you give that same grandmother a "Dung Bunny" as a gift once?

 

Actually, it was her mom. Besides it's ecologically friendly.

[Fugu]

Doesn't seem that hard to me:

 

Of course not, you are not a man.

 

 

[OoPEZoO]

 

Didn't you give that same grandmother a "Dung Bunny" as a gift once?

 

Actually, it was her mom. Besides it's ecologically friendly.

 

Ah yes....the DUNG Wedding Couple. You think I could pass that off for the Willow Tree Angels that Danielle is always bugging me about?

 

 

[Matts_12GS]

Just make sure you don't put it on the cake when you guys finally get hitched...

[Husker Red]

 

Female: "I spilled coffee all over my new white blouse!"

Male: "Sweet. Let's get you out of those wet clothes!"

 

Female: "I got a promotion!"

Male: "That's great! Now we can afford that dual sport!"

 

Female: "I can't believe so and so said [insert comment]...how mean!"

Male: "Hmmn.. Isn't so and so the really hot girl in your office?"

 

Yeah, I just don't think I'm getting your point.

 

[Joe Frickin' Friday]

See? Nobody tried to figure out WHY we spilled coffee on us, or talk about exactly how much extra money the promotion will bring and what we should spend it on, or figure out what we did to make so and so say what they said, and how we can deal with so and so on an on going basis!

 

You're right, it's bad form not to acknowledge someone's happiness/frustration over a happy/frustrating event. Having said that, it's hard for engineers/guys not to dig for more information. "I spilled coffee on myself!" is not enough information to satisfy us.

 

It's fair to expect some sympathy:

"Crap! Did you get burned? How bad?"

 

 

After that, the remaining questions help us to understand it, to put us in your coffee-soaked shoes:

"How'd it happen? In your car? office? Walking? Sitting at your desk? Somebody bump you?"

 

The "retroactive fixes" are a bit like our crash analyses in Ride Well: we want to explore what happened, what could have been done differently, in the hopes that this awful thing can be kept from happening again:

 

"Didja use a lid?"

"Why not stop the car to add cream/sugar?"

"Maybe next time you should leave the six dogs and cats in the car while you go inside to get coffee."

 

It may be helpful to recognize that underneath all of that probing and analysis is a desire to secure *your* happiness by finding ways to prevent these nasty things from happening to you again.

 

But if you really prefer, we can be taught to just say "that sucks", give you a hug, and leave you to your own retrospection.

[smiller]

But if you really prefer, we can be taught to just say "that sucks", give you a hug, and leave you to your own retrospection.

And as every woman eventually finds out that is definitely a learned (vs. natural) reaction in men. The natural male point of view would be 'If you don't want advice on how to fix something, why mention it in the first place?' Until the lesson is learned we really don't understand why offense it taken when advice is offered... as far as our small brains can determine the advice was solicited by the comment.

[Fugu]

The natural male point of view would be 'If you don't want advice on how to fix something, why mention it in the first place?'

 

And that is reinforced when we get praise for being able to fix stuff.

 

It's like training a dog. If you praise a puppy for piddling outside, it's damn difficult to later make it understand that piddling outside is good, but piddling in the vegetable patch is bad.

 

Men learn fixing stuff = good. Then women want us to not fix some stuff and act helpless like some husband in a Brinks security commercial on TV*.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*If you don't know what I'm talking about: Commercial opens with sinister image of the bad guy breaking a window to enter the residence. Flashes to the husband cowering in the corner, may as well be wearing a pink skirt. The wife takes command when the phone rings and the camera moves to the call center, where a strong faced telephone security expert asks her if everything is OK. The woman says "help us oh Brinks guy, my husband is a coward and a moron!" and he says "help is on the way!", then it resolves to the 800 number for you to get this wonderful man to call you.

 

At least I'm pretty sure how it goes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[smiller]

And that is reinforced when we get praise for being able to fix stuff.

That, and as boys we usually received corrective advice/instructions vs. sympathy when something went wrong (not that our behavior didn't deserve it. ) But the end result is that we are essentially taught to focus on the solution to a problem, not how we feel about it. Concern over the latter is a pretty foreign thought to most men.

[90%angel]

...Female: "I can't believe so and so said [insert comment]...how mean!"

Male: "Hmmn.. Isn't so and so the really hot girl in your office?" ...

 

[blkvelvt]

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

 

Department store merchandizers have noticed this too. That's why the men's department is usually placed so that women need to walk past all sorts of sparkly, shiny and fashionable crack on sale in order to buy socks for a man who hates to shop. And he wonders why buying a those socks takes her 2 hours and costs $500.

 

I tell my wife the difference between men and women is simple.

 

Women-shop (the ability to go to 12 different shoe stores to shop and look at the same style black shoes)

Men- buy (park at the mall close to the shoe store and enter the store and grabbing the shoes that are black and buying them)

[russell_bynum]

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

 

Department store merchandizers have noticed this too. That's why the men's department is usually placed so that women need to walk past all sorts of sparkly, shiny and fashionable crack on sale in order to buy socks for a man who hates to shop. And he wonders why buying a those socks takes her 2 hours and costs $500.

 

I tell my wife the difference between men and women is simple.

 

Women-shop (the ability to go to 12 different shoe stores to shop and look at the same style black shoes)

Men- buy (park at the mall close to the shoe store and enter the store and grabbing the shoes that are black and buying them)

 

There's a perfectly logical explanation for that.