Holding Kids Back In School

[Aluminum_Butt]

My wife and I have two great kids. The older one does very well academically, and last year we moved him to a private school where his mind will get more exercise.

 

Our youngest is just exiting first grade. He was an August baby, and is just about to turn seven (so he's younger than his classmates). He runs solidly at the middle of the pack academically in his public school.

 

We really want to move him to the private school, as well. But, to do that, we may have to put him in first grade again. We've seen examples of the work done by the first graders at the private school, and they're well ahead of their public school peers.

 

We've had plenty of input from teachers and friends, but one thing I don't have is a pool of people who've held their own kids back and can tell me what issues they faced. I'm looking for stories that start with "I held my kid back and ..." or "I know someone who held their kid back and..." If you simply want to tell me that we should keep him in public school, please withold that - it is an option that we are considering, but I'm not conducting a poll here. I just want objective information on the effects of holding back a first grader.

 

For those choosing to respond, clearly this could get private. You can PM me or reach me at bob.burchfield AT gmail.com if you prefer.

 

Thanks for any insignt.

[ghaverkamp]

What's the concern?

 

My little sister is an August baby was not held for a second year, but my parents delayed a year letting her start school. Other than needling from her older brother, I can't remember the issue ever coming up. (I'm 7.5 years older, so I wouldn't have been completely oblivious to those discussions.) She 1) made it through school and 2) had and has friends at her grade level. On the other hand, she's now an attorney, so make of that what you will.

[smiller]

On the other hand, she's now an attorney,

He only asked for info, there's no point in trying to scare him out of it.

[Aluminum_Butt]

What's the concern?

 

My little sister is an August baby was not held for a second year, but my parents delayed a year letting her start school.

 

Actually, right now we're regretting not delaying his entry into school. We probably wouldn't be going through this.

 

The concern is that we really want to put him into private school. The advantages of that are numerous. But to put him into private school will likely mean that we have to keep him in first grade for another year.

 

If he stays in public school, he'll move to second grade.

 

We're weighing the pros and cons of these options. We're trying to weigh the advantages of putting him in the private school versus the effects (mostly negative and mostly social) of holding him back.

 

Oh, and for Seth's benefit...it's a Christian school where he won't see any condoms on bananas. The sex education will be left to his parents.

[smiller]

it's a Christian school where he won't see any condoms on bananas.

What will he see condoms on..?

[ghaverkamp]

We're weighing the pros and cons of these options. We're trying to weigh the advantages of putting him in the private school versus the effects (mostly negative and mostly social) of holding him back.

 

Shifting him to a private school would eliminate most of the stigma of being held back, it seems. It really sounds like it's more of a recalibration, and if your son didn't tell anyone it was his second pass through this arbitrary level called first grade, no one would ever be any the wiser.

 

It's a slightly different situation, but a vindictive kindergarten teacher ranked me low in nearly every skills, placing me in the lowest sections going into first grade (as I changed from a private -- though non-stellar, Catholic -- school to a public school. My first grade teacher recognized the error relatively quickly, but they didn't want to move me during the year for fear of stigmatizing me. Then, I changed schools again (Air Force brat that I am) for 2nd grade, and all got cleared up. (With a new school for the third grade.)

 

Hmm. Maybe you could move.

[bugeyed]

If you are saying hold him back by putting him in the 1st grade in said private school, I would go with that option. Getting the (good) education outweighs any social implication IMO. Besides, it's first grade, how much social impact will there be? Does he understand what all this is about? Perhaps if he can grasp that the new school will be much better for him, he won't be as upset as you think. Besides, instead of being the youngest in the class, he can now be the oldest. He won't realize (maybe) that he is blessed by having parents that care. I applaud you and wish you the best.

[tallman]

I was the Director of a Private School for nearly 20 years and have numerous public school years also.

Children make learning gains at different times/rates.

Public school students were often behind ours, but when they entered, it was into a cross age grouped developmentally based classroom.

We had an understanding that after 2 years, the student would be placed in the class appropriate for them at that time.

You probably won't find that in your case.

I would caution about level of expectations that parents can have for young children.

Frequently, by age XX, the field has leveled, or tilted in favor of the 6 yr. old "average" child.

A truly gifted child will stand out.

A child w/learning differences may, or may not, be as easy to identify.

Do what is in the best interest of the child.

I might suggest he be given the opportunity to succeed in the new environment, you have all summer to work on enrichment.

If he does not have a successful year, he will know why he is repeating the grade.

To start first grade over again may not be as easy to understand for a child of that age.

In our state, age is a criteria for participation in high school extra curricular activities.

A student who turns 19 before the school year cannot participate.

Your school year probably starts later, but consider that if it is a factor.

Best wishes.

[Redbrick]

I have a late October birthday and was not held back. I don't know if it hurt me academically. I've always been the 3.0 type. High school and college sports are where starting early hurt me a bit.

 

- I was always a year younger than most of my friends

- I didn't get to drive until mid way through my Junior year of HS

- I was 17 for most of my first semester of college

- Once in HS, I was competing in sports with kids a year older

- I grew 2 inches my first year of college. I played small college football, but by the end of my freshman year I was big enough to play for a larger school. Who knows what might have happened?

 

Knowing what I know now and if I had a choice, I'd want to be held back.

 

My experience was similar...Born in February and put into school a year too early....Graduated high school at the young age of 17, both emotionally and physically behind my peers through the school years.......No sports until I was a senior....Apparently no age requirements in the middle of the last century's schools.......Physical and emotional maturity are very important considerations...I too wish that I'd been held back........

 

Phil.........Redbrick

[OoPEZoO]

Danielle and I made the decision to hold her daughter back so she could repeat 2nd grade.

 

I had just bought my house, we were moving in together, and that would also mean that her daughter would be changing school districts. She would be moving from a city school with a pretty bad reputation to a suburban school that was better.

 

We had quite a few discussions on it, and everyone felt the need to chime in. Danielle had gone to the same city school that her daughter went to and didn't think it was that bad. I went to private school up until 5th grade, and then switched to one of the better public schools in the area from 6th grade until I graduated. She didn't believe me that her old school was pretty much the laughing stock of the area.....(school pride I guess). After some more talking, we decided that her daughter should take some entrance exams at the new school before we made a decision. We had a chat with the prinipal, and told him what our thoughts and intentions were. He somewhat reluctantly agreed to give her the same tests that she would have had to take to complete 2nd grade there at the new school. Needless to say, she completely bombed them......and I mean like forgot to put your name on the SAT kind of bomb. After that, it was no question that we would let her repeat the 2nd grade at the new school.

 

She was one of the youngest in the class (Sept birtday) and would have graduated when she was 17, so at least that wasn't much of an issue. She of course didn't understand and her Dad pitched a fit, but he is pretty much a worthless POS and was a lovely product of that same city school. The dust has now been settled for quite some time, and she will be starting the 5th grade in the fall. Holding her back was the best decision we ever could have made for her. Regardless of her age, we also looked at her maturity level and figured she was also a better fit with the younger kids. She is now right where she should be, and is doing well. She no longer needs the extra tutoring just to try and keep up with the class. I don't ever see her being top of her class, but she's not that kind of kid. She is more creative than she is book smart (loves Art and Music), but the important part is that she no longer struggles and is no longer frustrated. We know that if she went on to 3rd grade, she never would have caught up. She was already losing interest in school and couldn't/wouldn't consentrate on any of her work. She is now back on track and all is well.

 

She still brings it up from time to time (her Dad reminds her), but at the end of the day we know we made the right choice.

 

My personal experience going from private to public school......I switched to public school heading into 6th grade and I don't think I learned anything new until I got to about half way through 7th grade. I can't imagine how hard it would have been making the switch the other way. My private school teachers always pushed for each student to do their best, and always go above and beyond. In public school, I found that the majority of the teachers were happy as long as you showed up and weren't a disturbance to the class. BIG change in expectations. I found I could get A's and B's with pretty much no effort at all. Looking back, I wish I would have had those private school teachers for the rest of my schooling as well.

 

Just my $.02

[Shaman97]

My son is a late-September child. When he was ~ Kindergarten age, my mother-in-law (a school teacher) said he was ready for school. My mother also thought so. I was not convinced, but weighed the plusses and minuses at the time, and he started K'garten. Once he was in second or third grade, I wished I had held him back a year.

Additionally - though not a reason - once he starts playing organized sports at the recreational level (Little League, Pee Wee football) he'll be placed on teams based mostly on his age. Once he hits High School, expectations are based upon grade level. In our case, my son was good enough to play ball on the older team, but lost interest because his friends all played on the 'younger' team...so he quit playing altogether.

 

If I had tpo do it all over, I'd have held him back a year either in 1st or 2nd grade where any stigma of repeating is lessened.

[notacop]

I redid 1st grade 'cus the neighbor kid, Bob and I were goof offs and played hooky a lot.

My youngest missed some school and repeated 2nd grade I think. Any way, no harm done and he's a perfectly normal, mature well rounded adult now.

The problem is only as big as you make it.

 

[SteveB]

I have a Sept. 29 birthday (please make a note) and the cut off was October 1st. Don’t know how much discussion there was but I started school at the age of 5 with no kindergarten. Like others have said I was behind the curve academically for all of my elementary school years. I had a lack of confidence academically that followed me for years until I had an IQ test. Suddenly the race was on to beat my ‘smarter’ big brothers GPA. (Someday I plan to write a book on why smart people make dumb decisions.) Although I never repeated any thing I did go to summer school after second grade to work on my reading. And no, retaking calculus my freshman year of college doesn’t really count, I mean it was the first time I was away from home after all.

 

I excelled in sports however I always wondered what another year would have done. Had I waited a year to start maybe I would have actually dated someone in my class, never did, although I did date a few older girls, go figure. Being the last person in your class to drive seems like the end of the world to a 15 year old. Then again there was this one kid that drove himself to 8th grade.

 

Good luck with your decision.

 

[Couchrocket]

I'm the dad of two, adult (30's) children who are intelligent, well adjusted, productive, wonderful, human beings.

 

When our daughter entered kindergarten many moons ago (October baby) she was absolutely precocious. Blazed her way through 1st grade as a star... Second grade -- hit the wall and had major problems! We ended up holding her back a grade. Made all the difference in the world. Even kept her in the same public school. Some minor peer embarrassment at the time (which I'd laugh at now). She did fine all the rest of the way through school.

 

Son (November baby!), 4 years younger. We didn't start him when he was "eligible" to start. Instead put him in a "pre-kindergarten" class. Results: Rather than being the youngest kid in each grade, last to get driver license, hair in his arm pits, etc., he was one of the older kids in each grade and did GREAT all the way through school. He didn't have a clue that we "held him a year."

 

These "age parameters" are big, broad, averages in a system designed for "the convenience of those running it" and not for any individual child.

 

Fear not. Let your "gut" tell you what's right for your kids. Love them. Do what's right in your own eyes.