Mike Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 So, there I was, riding down the street when I noticed my fuel warning light was flickering on. I spied a Shell station ahead, and I pulled in. I didn't have a dime on me, but I thought, "What the heck . . . I'll just put it on my credit card. I can always declare bankruptcy and walk away from my debt." However, as the pump clicked over twenty-two bucks . . . twenty-two bucks! . . . just to fill my Beemer, I started to feel upset. I ripped the receipt from the pump and jumped on my bike, not bothering to put on my helmet, which by now was in my topcase. I started flying down the street, way above the speed limit. Lost in my anger, I barely saw the woman in the SUV who was talking on her cell phone as she ran the red light. Luckily the flash of the red light camera caught my attention, and I veered out of the way, just in the nick of time. Now I was fuming. My chest was tightening and I was feeling a tingling in my left arm. "Hell, I'd go to the hospital, but I don't have any insurance. Screw it!" I patted my hip pocket, where I felt my trusty Glock. It always made me feel better when life was closing in on me, just knowing that it was there to protect me if ever I needed it. The tightness in my chest started to loosen up. I was feeling better. "Jeez, all this stuff really isn't worth a heart attack." And then, I felt a shimmying from the rear end of my RT . . . Link to comment
smiller Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 And then, I felt a shimmying from the rear end of my RT . . . "And I wondered, could it be because I used conventional instead of synthetic oil..?" Link to comment
Woodie Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Which oil had you put in at your oil change that morning? Link to comment
Mike Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 Which oil had you put in at your oil change that morning? I thought back and tried to remember . . . "What oil did I use?" I was too upset. All I could remember was that it was from one of the Big Oil companies. Link to comment
notacop Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 When does the tall brunette step off the curb in front of you and get hit? Before or after you go to your office and fume with a burbon? So far it sound like a novel I'll soon find on the rack at the 99 Cent store! Link to comment
smiller Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 You might also mention that even though you were way above the speed limit it was OK because you had properly analyzed the situation and determined it was safe. Link to comment
MNCruiser Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Later that day on the evening news I see the same woman who was talking on the phone in the SUV. Turns out she was an irate democrat delegate from Michigan. Link to comment
Kathy R Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Later that day on the evening news I see the same woman who was talking on the phone in the SUV. Turns out she was an irate democrat delegate from Michigan. She was wearing diapers and on her way to ... Link to comment
Bheckel169 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 By this point I had a huge headache. In my pain I remembered reading something about massive tumor growths from excessive cell phone use. I couldn't take a chance and call for an ambulance. I'd have to walk. But the weather was incredibly warm, unseasonably warm for March. Hell, 110 degrees and 95% humidity! Damn, Gore! How could this politician have known so far in advance about global warming when our local tv weatherman screws up the forecast for the next day? Just then I heard popping noises and glass shattered behind me. Some HD guys were drive by shooting and my european rags and Spidi race boots gave me away. I needed help in a hurry, but who and where would my help come from? Link to comment
Firefight911 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 When experiencing writer's block, teh above is always source for inspiration!! Link to comment
Joel Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Later that day on the evening news I see the same woman who was talking on the phone in the SUV. Turns out she was an irate democrat delegate from Michigan. She was wearing diapers and on her way to ... Denver for the 2008 Democratic National Convention. "Hah!" I shouted to myself, "She'll have to cross Nebraska! That'll teach her to be a Democrat! She's probably a Harley-riding atheist too." "Did I just pull to the right?" I had to ask myself. Maybe. But that's OK, my trusty servo-controlled ABS brakes will surely save the day. What's that I see ahead? A Sonic? Maybe its a mirage. I shouldn't eat that stuff anyway. My health insurance might not cover my heart attack. But hey, at least my health insurance premium is less than my monthly gasoline bill. Unless I join the boycott, that is. As I rounded the corner, I saw an interesting new sign. "Haircuts analyzed here, while you wait." Interesting idea. Maybe I'll try that some day, while it is still part of the free enterprise system. Haircut analysis will truly suck after it's been nationalized by the ever-expanding federal government. Link to comment
Paul_Burkett Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 But as I rode on, with the wind at my back.. and wind blowing through my hair, I don't know how that works, I remember my helmet is still in the trunk. I stop to get it and put it on because my ears are getting cold, when all of a sudden.... Link to comment
exwingnut Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Knowing that I had but a few moment to live, I was struck by my lack of belief in my pastors flaming rhetoric and how I had lived my life loving him, but rejecting his position on religion in general. After taking a quick poll of the voting majority in my mind I realized that I was not at all sure I would be among the chosen few who would be saved and the dominant ruling party in my mind was quickly being usurped by the Movement for Democratic Change within me. Rather than go with the palace coup route I chose to boycott the upcoming passing of the torch and would rather just run over to the Local NAPA dealer to see if they could defrib me with some Autolite 3823 Platinum plugs, hopefully relieving the horrid low rpm surging of my heart. Link to comment
Gary in Aus Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 ............. I felt a shimmying from the rear end of my RT, it felt like my life was spinning out of control . I managed to wrestle the object of my desire to the kerb and after removing ten of the fourteen layers of protective clothing that I always wear , my fingers finally felt the silken powdery surface of my Costco copy of "The Constitution ". The security flowed through my body like warm honey through my veins , this was something that would always prove I was right!! Yet a sense of foreboding ,an unanswered question, that destructive seed , a prickling of the hairs on my neck, something was missing!! My mind began to race ,what could it be ? What was causing the self doubt , what had me questioning my life ,even my very existence, the sounds of the road became louder , the trees fluttered on the breezes that were swirling through my body. In a moment that was approaching hysteria , my hands clawing at my discarded layers of protective clothing. It was then that I felt it, I felt the reason for my self doubt , the reason for my panic, the reason for my lack of fulfilment. It was there all the time, the mechanism that proved I existed , with out it I was just words in the ether , a non image waiting in the darkness to be validated, my ...... Link to comment
dnorrell Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 It was there all the time, the mechanism that proved I existed , with out it I was just words in the ether , a non image waiting in the darkness to be validated, my ...... iPhone. Thank god and all that's holy that I didn't leave it perched upon the fuel pump. With my iPhone in hand, I know that the soothing sounds of Enya were mere finger-taps away. Enya would certainly bring me a more grounded grip on life at this particular moment, while my heart struggled to precariously pump the rapidly cooling blood in my veins. Where would I be without my iPhone? Do I cherish this beloved little device more than my Beemer? How did such words even come to fruition in my mind? What control has Steve Jobs established over me in the mere month that I have allowed this tiny device to take general control over my life? Does Steve own me... Then, deep in thought, I was quickly shaken back to reality with the crash of my beloved Beemer hitting the concrete. In my distress, I neglectfully left her in neutral, on the side stand, pointed slightly downhill. No amount of Enya can quell the rage and anguish rushing through my very core. Perhaps thoughts of... Link to comment
Couchrocket Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 [Perhaps thoughts of... ... all this cheezy Dean Koontz dialog will bring me back to sanity, and I'll go buy a Honda. Link to comment
Eschelon1 Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 ...and when I returned, Mary Jo and the car were gone... Link to comment
Calvin (no socks) Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 My dog ate my blackberry and I had no way to contact anyone, as it had all my information in it. Bewildered, I got my gun oil thread and stitched up my damaged riding pants. While I was at it I pulled out my tent and checked it, because I needed it in good shape for the Un rally tent campers only! I also had to get supplies for the upcoming Tech day at our dealership. The oddesy continued when..... Link to comment
Steve1962 Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 ...I stepped out of the shower and realised it was a dream ..... Steve Link to comment
Ken H. Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 ...I stepped out of the shower and realised it was a dream .....But I still couldn't decide: Ginger or MaryAnn? Link to comment
Mike Posted April 3, 2008 Author Share Posted April 3, 2008 ...I stepped out of the shower and realised it was a dream .....But I still couldn't decide: Ginger or MaryAnn? Ginger had always been my dream girl, but Mary Ann seemed so sweet and innocent. Innocent, that is, until I learned a few days ago about her being arrested for possession of marijuana. Maybe they should legalize all that stuff after all . . . Link to comment
tallman Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 And by they, I really mean me. So I started to compile a list of all the things I would legalize... Link to comment
SageRider Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 ... Prostitution.... Wait it's legal here. Gambling...... Wait it's legal here. Desert Lobsters.... Still illegal. So I called my local representative (at the cat house of course!) and... Link to comment
Joel Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 ... Prostitution.... Wait it's legal here. Gambling...... Wait it's legal here. Desert Lobsters.... Still illegal. So I called my local representative (at the cat house of course!) and... she said that for the right combination of contributions from Big Oil, Big Pharma, American Medical Association, NRA, Wall Street and MADD, almost anything is possible, including a complete repeal of the Constitution. Apparently my representative had been ingesting some as-yet illegal chemicals. My mind was reeling at the endless possibilities. What I really, really want is ... Link to comment
exwingnut Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 ... Prostitution.... Wait it's legal here. Gambling...... Wait it's legal here. Desert Lobsters.... Still illegal. So I called my local representative (at the cat house of course!) and... she said that for the right combination of contributions from Big Oil, Big Pharma, American Medical Association, NRA, Wall Street and MADD, almost anything is possible, including a complete repeal of the Constitution. Apparently my representative had been ingesting some as-yet illegal chemicals. My mind was reeling at the endless possibilities. What I really, really want is ... A way to intergrate my bluetooth phone, crackberry, GPS, and IPod into my helmet and a set of tounge controls so that I can multitask more effectively whilst splitting lanes doing a wheelie through traffic. Link to comment
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