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One of my biggest fears - the unknown


bmweerman

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Today was a stressful day. Why was it any different from what I've been talking and bemoaning about for the past several weeks? It was different because of the encroachment of the unknown.

 

There's one more day to get through before Cameron's surgery. We still have no CT scan done and will have another stab at getting the final pre-op approval from our regular doctor tomorrow. The pre-admit appt. took way longer than either one of us expected so he was in no condition to try to reschedule the pre-op for later in the day. Dr. Paik said he didn't want to operate without the CT scan; whether he will anyway is something that we'll find out about it the scan can't be done tomorrow.

 

The surgery, itself, is another unknown. As much as I want to get to Wednesday to aleviate all his suffering that he's endured, I don't look forward to more hospital time and him being opened up again. Those darned "what-ifs" creep into my mind and entice the fear to rise up, threatening my faith in the medical profession, regardless of how unfounded they may be. Fear is not ruled by logic.

 

In addition to the usual cast of characters in this long drama, my daughter has recently chosen to re-acquaint herself with her father. They haven't spoken more than 3 words to each other in the past 5 years and today I dropped her off at the 50's Diner to have lunch with the man that she asked to leave when she was just 12. She's a strong person and was stronger than me at the time. I've always left the door open for her to initiate contact with him; no pressing in either direction by me. It was my little self-righteous act that I would do my best to take the high ground and not impress upon her my distaste for him or keep her from him. I would let her decide if and when she would make contact. Deep down inside, I've been so happy that she had no desire to see him. It makes my life so much easier. Today, I was wracked with anxiety, wondering what would be discussed between them. I didn't want her to like her father, or to share her life with him. I want to be selfish and keep her to myself, it's always been US, even when I was married to him. He was the kind of father that never followed through with promises and was never home, especially for important events. It was a hard marriage and to bring him back to even the fringes, stirs up feelings and memories I had long ago buried. So the future of this is another unknown that I had hoped to not have to deal with. I will honor whatever her decision for the relationship is, I just wish I had a crystal ball to know what path it will take, though seeing the eventual outcome may not be such a great thing either.

 

So tomorrow will be a new day, with new challenges and maybe some knowledge to fill in some of the unknown gaps. As Cameron has been trying to rest more in the past 24 hours, his renewed strength has bolstered mine a little. So maybe everything's going to be alright afterall, my not-so-little girl has grown up to be a smart and loving young woman, and the surgery will go as it will go. So, I guess at this point in time, I might as well sit back and enjoy the ride because no matter what, the days are still going to roll by 24 hours at a time.

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TN_R11_Girl

Patti,

 

Shortly after my brother died in a plane crash, one of his dear friends sent me a simple, thin silver bracelet. I thought it was an odd gift until a couple days later when I looked at it a bit more closely. Engraved on the inside it says: "One day at a time"

 

I haven't taken the bracelet off since then and when the unknown creeps in, that's that thought that seems to pull me through.

 

Hang in there. Take it a day at a time. You're going to make it through.

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Dances_With_Wiener_Dogs

You're a tough woman Patti, despite how you might not want to believe it yourself. It will be okay and this experience will make your marriage that much stronger.

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In Southern Illinois we have a saying: "The nut doesn't fall far from the tree." What does that mean? It means that when you describe your daughter, I can tell that she is a strong, grown up individual who has learned how to be a good person by watching her mother. Her desire to learn more about her father is normal and healthy. She will make good judgments regarding that relationship. It takes nothing away from your relationship with her.

 

Your articulation of the unknown is right on the money. We do better coping with the worst than with the unknown.

 

We continue to support you both in our thoughts and our prayers.

 

Please continue to post and share.

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Patti,

 

Every one of your notes to us wrenches all sorts of emotions out of my heart.

 

Thank you for telling us about it, and best wishes in dealing with both of the big issues you just told us about.

 

You can do it.

 

J.

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