Southern Charm and Northern Efficiency

[MattS]

Nice day today in Nashville; headed over on the motor (my only vehicle during the daytime, these days anyway) and then headed for lunch. En route, the driver of an oncoming (we were "meeting" as the locals say) white, older BMW 3-series sedan makes an exaggerated movement of his head toward the passenger seat, then times it perfectly to swing his head out the driver-side window and land a loogie through the opened visor of my flip-up. Wow, such a winning move. And so tasty! Well, he probably -- with a limited education -- failed to realize that, although two trains traveling at 40mph in opposite directions continue to move farther apart, if one of those trains turns heel and follows the other at 80mph ... then, eventually, it just might catch it. I know, it's a tough concept to grasp. Six generations later, they're still making the same old mistakes down here.

 

Now, I'm just a dumb Yankee. Knowing this, I mostly mind my own business, try to fit in. My first reaction upon receiving this most unexpected and darling gift of goofy dumb Southern boy saliva (saliva plus is more like it) was to keep moving, as I did in January when some putz flicked a cigarette (but missed) at me on Horn Tavern Road in Fairview. Second time's a charm, especially for someone like me who is not a big fan of people.

 

Well, I didn't think I had it in me to turn tail and start a high-speed pursuit of my own, double the speed limit and against traffic when necessary. I highly recommend it to clear out the cobwebs.

 

And no doubt our fine young man was suprised to see me so suddenly in his rear-facing mirrors. Tried to play it cool for the first mile of pursuit, the next two saw some exchanges, the Southern gentleman at first asking, "What's going on?" then "What did I do?" on to "I didn't spit at you!" and finally "I didn't mean to spit at you."

 

Gosh and golly ... he didn't mean it. Funny, 18 years of riding in New York (the so-called armpit of the world and all that nonsense), no one ever meant to do something like this, nor did they ever.

 

Don't get me wrong, I like it here. Love it, actually. I'm making my home here -- and apparently, after a call from a truck-stop to the West Precinct of Nashville earlier today -- it will remain here and not on Metrocenter Blvd where the only "good" meals are served on Sunday.

 

You know, when we finally did -- our by-now completely terrified protagonist and me with a head full of steam (screaming from the now-flipped-up flip-up "PULL OVER PULL OVER" with the four-ways and high beams doing their thing) -- catch up owing to a red light in his path ... I didn't mean to crack him in the mouth. I figure someone else with less tolerance and introspection might have actually killed him or done serious damage. I can't be bothered with the bad karma -- I figure a nice little "how-do-you'do" in the form of a crack to the mouth is (a) just enough and (b) the kind of frontier justice that is, apparently (according to my phone call) tolerated here in these parts of the country.

 

Gosh, I sure hope so. I mean, I'm ready to turn myself in to the police, if necessary, in order to complete the circle of justice. But it seems our fine, feathered friend had other plans than to make his transgressions public, or at least the subject of public policy.

 

I would hate to have to start riding around down here with a fist full of ball bearings, but I would not hesitate for a moment to use them in the wake of such gentlemanly and charming behavior. Southern charm ... meet northern efficiency. Let's not try to make a habit of it, k?

[BFish]

[John Ranalletta]

I'm sorry, but based on new, rather disturbing information, I have to revise the findings of your behavioral assessment. You can find the results here .

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Class Clown, the Schoolyard Bully, and the Sociopath.

[MattS]

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Class Clown, the Schoolyard Bully, and the Sociopath.

Hogwash, I got Haughty Intellectual (71% Rational, 42% Extroverted, 42% Brutal, and 85% Arrogant) ... Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Braggart, the Hand-Raiser, and the Robot.

 

But, John ... can you send me your OkCupid screename? I'd love to chat, you know, off-site. Lemme know!

[John Ranalletta]

That's only for my special friends...

[Warren_H]

He earned it and deserved it.

[ShovelStrokeEd]

Matt,

I can appreciate your ire although that crack in the mouth qualifies as assault and could have lead the fine, upstanding gentleman to an agressive defense of life and limb. Keep in mind that you are permitted to carry a gun in Tennessee so long as it is in plain sight. Sounds to me like you might still have a bit of Yankee to work out before you can become a true Tennessee citizen. It is the custom up there, when two vehicles approach each other on a two lane, to wave a little Howdy. Maybe he was offended that you didn't wave?

 

Poking a bit of fun at your expense of course. Do keep in mind that most folks in your neck of the woods are the absolute salt of the earth.

[Kathy R]

I can't say that I wouldn't have loved to do the same, were I in the same situation, but it was scary foolish. That being said, you write so well! If you manage to get yourself in more such situations, just keep on a writing!

[EffBee]

First, I suggest everyone avoid Matt's North vs. South angle. He was surprised, shocked and disgusted. That can happen anywhere. Making it a regional issue is counterproductive.

 

Second, back when I smoked, I flicked a butt out my window in slow freeway traffic, just in time for it to explode in a shower of sparks off the chest of a lane-splitter. And I've had it done to me. So I'm aware of how UNAWARE we can all sometimes be.

 

None of us is perfect. And, barring intentional infliction of harm, we need to understand that sometimes $hit happens. We can try and educate the offender, but chances are they're walking around this world wondering how all these other idiots manage to survive with their limited skills. Additionally, education at high decibels doesn't stick to the wall real well.

 

Matt, I'm glad you're safe. Give the situation a month's reflection, think about what it could have cost you and your loved ones, and see if hindsight doesn't clear up some of the steam coming off your head.

 

Off to Gunnison. I hope no one I meet on the way needs to spit.

[Kinsley]

Hey Matt,

You don't need to be from the north to react like that.

I could easily see myself having a similar response.

I've thought about it a little and hope that I will be cool enough to turn and follow like you did, then be a permanent stalker-like fixture in his rear view mirror until the subject decides to stop. I would then stay back 50 feet or so facing him directly, never lifting the visor, and make him as nervous as possible. The next move is his and you can act according to your remaining anger. It may not do much good and won't feel as satisfying, but you could report him to the local authorities after playing with him like this.

I think it would be kinda fun to put a little fear in him and a lump in his throat for awhile.

 

Ken

[TENNKTM]

Matt.....I drive a white 3 series BMW, spit out the windows on occassion......AND..... most important for you.....I have a semi auto pistola in the glove box.....

 

Point is.....if I had spit out the window (not known I spat on someone), then had a MC chase me down and have the rider act crazy toward me....they most likely would have seen the end of a barrel.......

 

I do not mean to make light of the situation, but YOU MUST know that in the south, many, many, many, many people keep guns in their cars........

 

I personally think what occurred was VERY dangerous for both parties.....

[MattS]

And, barring intentional infliction of harm, we need to understand that sometimes $hit happens...

Understood, and before I speak to this, let me apologies for my anti-Southern invective which, even if it's only 10% or 11% accurate, certainly makes for good copy.

 

And thanks to all for the wise words about gunplay. Gee, it sounds just like the place I just left ... you know, New York City. No guns there, no.

 

This thing about "intent" ... lemme roll the tape. 18 months ago, I was involved in a collision with a man who has Robert Earl Hughes to thank for his appetite and Helen Keller to thank for his vision. Seeing that his limitations were God-given (rather than the result of forethought or malice), I of course declined the option to, say, smash my helmet over his head. I mean, in one sense, he was most deserving. But, in fact, people do make mistakes.

 

How'ver, in the same way that the Supreme Court can't define pornography but "knows it when they see it" ... I've been around the block enough times not to let some kind of cheesy moral relativism get in the way of calling a stuck pig a stuck pig. And if the young idiot (no, not me, the spitter) hadn't made such a wildly exaggerated head weave while building up lateral momentum for his issue ... why, I may have chalked it up to inattention. But, sadly, too many clues were present to offer up the possibility of the free pass. Same with the smoker in January. Wish it was the product of mere coincidence, but the timing and the setting were too perfect -- just the two of us on an empty road, both slow-moving and with very perfect visibility.

 

Both of my new friends are 16-25-year-old males, so at least a pattern of cowardly youngsters launching small assaults against fully-clothed motorcyclists is emerging. And in at least one case -- the one pursued -- the player attempted a philosophical exit from his rapidly emerging fantasy-gone-bad. It does take two to tango. Ball bearings. Bottles of ink. Exploding dye packs. Hell, why not an IED for good measure. Or an IUD if it's April Fools Day? "If they gonna spit at me, mister, I'm a-gonna spit back, sir."

 

And, finally, what do you do -- as a gun owner -- to defend yourself when you don't have a gun? Or does all the big talk just get small? Thing about guns is ... they miss. Hands and knives don't. Something to think about next time the lights go out.

[MattS]

Smart-ass comments aside ... experience reveals to me a real vulnerability as a rider, provided in a most unwelcome way. It does make me think hard about choosing to commute here by motorcycle. I have also been warned about being "run off the road by rednecks" ... and in some of the more rural territory around here, maybe that could happen.

 

A local restaurant has booths that the patrons (the patrons' kids, mostly) will scribble on and every few weeks they're painted over. A fresh scribble the other day, among others, was "Motorcycles are Scary" ... I can understand, on some level, where that comes from; but accepting that as reality here is something else entirely. Because, if I connect-the-dots, then the scribbler and the spitter are of the same mind in expressing their revulsion at scary things.

[Gregori]

Not all such incidents are as accidental or innocent as some would like to think.

 

When I was about 16 or 17, I was on a multi-state bicycle ride with a tour group. While riding along the bike path on Cape Cod, a pedestrian made what appeared to be a lunge at me as I rode by, and struck my forearm. "What the f*** was THAT?" I wondered. I was watching him in my little helmet mounted rearview mirror when he did the same thing to a rider behind me. Unfortunately, this time the bike went down. So I stopped immediately and went back.

 

The rider was scraped up, but not badly hurt so I turned to the guy who did it - his first response was an innocent seeming "Gee, what happened?"

I confronted him, and told him I noticed his grab at me, and had seen the crash in my mirror. Now his story became "Well, he ran into me."

It heated up some more, and he finally told us that "You bikers are riding too fast on my sidewalk, and I needed to teach you a lesson to slow down."

It ended up with him face down in the dirt, my knee on his neck and him in a fingerhold. (I feel *so* bad about the broken finger...)

 

The crashed rider and the others in my group didn't want to make a big thing about it, and to just move on. I was insistent that we call the police, since he'd admitted intentionally attacking us.

 

Fortunately logic prevailed. The police (finally) arrived, took statements from everyone, and took the guy in custody.

 

About a year later I got a call from a detective who thanked me for getting involved. Apparently they'd had a string of bicycle 'accidents' along that stretch of bike path over the previous months, some of which had been pretty serious. (They only get reports of the serious ones, so who knows how many had actually happened...) Most of the reported incidents had involved a "collision" with a pedestrian who always seemed to disappear.

Anyway - the detective ended the call by letting me know the guy had been convicted of several assaults, and was headed up the river for 5-7 years.

 

By the way, this guy was about 40, and most of the victims were under 25. So I'm afraid the 'cowardy youngsters' comment isn't really valid - maybe it should be 'cowardly scumbags.' Scum is scum, without any age requirements.

[Chugger]

Matt Maybe it's time to install one of these on your GS.

http://www.oldtradingpost.com/western_store/catalog/1897-Shotgun-Scabbards-p-524.html

[steve.foote]

Matt,

 

I'm sure that you are beginning to understand that you now occupy a special place in the fabric of the South. As you are planning on staying, you will from here on become classified as, Damned Yankee.

 

Let me explain. Most of America recognizes that the Civil War ended in 1865. But, here in the South, the "War of Northern Aggression" is in a state of cease-fire, and is subject to recommencing at any moment. It is this knowledge of impending victory which powers the true Southern mind.

 

Anyone from the North who happens to be passing through the South is a Yankee and deserves a pass because they just don't know how things work down here. But those who stay, those who would become the catalyst for change, become Damned Yankees.

 

It takes a while to fully understand the relationship, but having attained the status of Damned Yankee seventeen years ago, I have found that the South is the environment for me. And, knowing what I do about your character, you will too.

 

As for the reaction you recounted, I can't say I would have done much different. I've been know to chase down more than one perceived offender, which probably wasn't the best tactic, but sure felt right at the time. I would, however, consider the whole firearm dynamic. It does put one at a disadvantage.

 

Good luck, Damned Yankee.

[tallman]

If he was driving a BMW, in The South, he isn't a redneck.

Most likely a transplanted damnyankee (Steve, it's one word) .

There is no winner in a situation like this.

There could possibly be some serious consequences though I understand your feelings of anger and have followed a three lane crossover left turner before.

 

If you must "get even" it's rewarding to be more creative than a punch in the face and definitely less likely to attract unwanted attention.

Best wishes.

[steve.foote]

Most likely a transplanted damnyankee (Steve, it's one word) .

 

I stand corrected. See, even after all these years, I'm still learning the ropes down here.

 

One other thing I'd like to add to this topic. If Captain Dumbass had hocked a luggie on a redneck instead, he would have been lucky to have only gotten punched in the face.

 

Redneck's don't hock luggies, dumbasses do.

[jackflash]

Matt,

I can appreciate your ire although that crack in the mouth qualifies as assault and could have lead the fine, upstanding gentleman to an agressive defense of life and limb. Keep in mind that you are permitted to carry a gun in Tennessee so long as it is in plain sight. Sounds to me like you might still have a bit of Yankee to work out before you can become a true Tennessee citizen. It is the custom up there, when two vehicles approach each other on a two lane, to wave a little Howdy. Maybe he was offended that you didn't wave?

 

Poking a bit of fun at your expense of course. Do keep in mind that most folks in your neck of the woods are the absolute salt of the earth.

 

Actually, if one is approved for a permit, it is for carrying a handgun as long as it is CONCEALED. I have a handgun permit in a neighboring state that reciprocates with Tennesssee. Carrying in plain site is ILLEGAL in Tennessee WITH a permit.

 

Additionally, the state I live in just changed the law such that all a permit holder has to qualify for pulling the trigger is to FEEL threatened. Proof of retreat is not required anymore. Florida has this provision and Georgia will soon or already has it.

 

You're lucky MattS.