Bad Puns

[1MPH]

 

 

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.

 

 

 

 

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

 

 

 

 

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Warehouse. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

 

 

 

 

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

 

 

 

 

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ken H.]

 

That is a good one!

[upflying]

The fisherman was considered a master baiter.

[elkroeger]

The fisherman was considered a master baiter.

 

We used to buy cases of frozen herring down at work. You guessed it - "Master Baiter" right on the box.

[Ken H.]

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

 

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

 

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

 

 

[Ken H.]

A woman in small village in Kurdistan was a terrible cook. One day her husband and brother both died eating one of her quick breads.

 

From then on she was known as the woman who killed two kurds with one scone.

[elkroeger]

That reminds me of one my cousin used to say:

 

Old enough to go to the store, old enough to get bread.

 

(this is bad puns after all...)

[RavennaAl]

When I was first dating my wife, we were sitting, watching TV and I was rubbing her shoulders and whispering sweet nothings into her ear. She turned to me and said, "You're a regular Don Juan, aren't you?" Without thinking, I replied (In my best Don Juanish accent) "Yes, the woman call me Don Juan numeral two. You know why they call me Don Juan numeral two? Because everytime I see a beautiful babe, I ask them, hey, you want to make love? And they always reply, No thanks, I Don Juan to."

 

Must have worked, we've been married 27 years now.....

[1MPH]

The maharajah of an interior Indian province decreed

that no wild animal could be killed by the populace. Soon

the country was overrun by man-eating tiger, lions, panthers, elephants, and boars. The long-suffering people

finally could stand it no longer and gave their maharajah

an unceremonious heave-ho. As the noted Indian sports-

man Mufti Considine points out, it was the first instance

on record where the reign was called on account of game.

[Dave39]

I always wondered what the similarity was between toilet paper and the star ship Enterprise:

 

 

 

They both chase Klingons around Uranus.

[Ken H.]

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

 

Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.

 

Velcro — what a rip off!

 

 

[RavennaAl]

3 guys are walking along the beach when they stumble apon a lamp. The first guy rubs the lamp and a Genie appears. The Genie tells him that he'll grant 3 wishes. The first guy says "I want a boat, a bag of gold and a hot looking wife"

 

Poof, the Genie grants his wishes and goes back into the lamp. The second guy rubs the lamp and the Genie appears. The second guy says "I want a new house, a large..." Before he finishes his wishes the Genie kills the man. As the Genie starts to go back into the lamp, the third guy asks "Why did you do that?" The Genie replied, "He just rubbed me the wrong way"

[Dave39]

IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

 

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

 

DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

[Rocer]

I was in a bar last night and got jumped by a bunch of rowdy circus workers. Being outnumbered I went for the jugular.

[Ken H.]

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

 

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

 

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

 

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.