Bad Puns

[Ken H.]

A friend sent me a list. I'm going to post a few of them every now and then just so I can hear the groans from here.

 

I'm sure you have many more.

 

 

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

 

When chemists die, they barium.

 

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

 

 

[George S.]

I used to kiss my girlfriend on the lips, but it's all over now...

[DaveTheAffable]

If the coffee tastes like mud...

... it was "ground" this morning.

 

 

 

 

(You did say groaners )

[marcopolo]

Incest is all relative.

[Ken H.]

Couple more...

 

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

 

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

[Caddis]

I tend to like puns that are in context with whatever conversation I am having.

 

My son: "This old shirt is coming apart - I guess I should get a new one"

 

Me: "Yup, frayed sew".

 

 

[upflying]

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter who thought he was a stud was once arrested for murder but was never nailed.

The window glazier went to great panes to conceal his past.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason gets stoned regularly and his alibi is as solid as a rock.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

 

[Fightingpiper]

Oh I see said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.

[Mister Tee]

I attended a Krav Magna class last night. We learned Jew Jitsu.

[Ken H.]

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

 

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

 

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

 

 

[Glenn Reed]

I've never heard any good jokes about storm drains, only grate ones.

[Mister Tee]

I was out of ideas for this thread so I threw a bunch of puns out on another forum to see if they could illicit a reaction.

 

No pun in ten did.

[upflying]

A family member was subpoenaed to a probate hearing in Denver but she didn't like the heir up there.

[1MPH]

The boys in the research departmant at Ford Motors say they haven't decided yet upon a name for that electricity-driven

economy car they're working on.

 

How about Con Edsel?

[upflying]

The repetitive wrist injury patient sought treatment in the car pool tunnel.

[elkroeger]

I worked at a cemetery while I was in college. It was just fill in work.

 

(Okay, fill 'er in!)

[1MPH]

A lovelorn Vermonter stabbed himself with an icicle last winter.

He died of cold cuts.

[elkroeger]

I was staring out the window of a restaurant last week. An old lady ran a red light and a van crashed into her. The van had an aerial antenna that was knocked off in the crash. The driver got out, picked up his antenna and beat the hell out of the old lady. The headlines in the paper the next day read: "Elderly woman dies of van aerial disease."

 

badum bum!

[ArmyGuy]

Is a sleepwalking nun a roamin' Catholic?

 

Some nuns have bad habits.

 

 

[Gregori]

I worked at a cemetery while I was in college. It was just fill in work.

 

(Okay, fill 'er in!)

A cemetery is great place to work - the employees really dig it, and people all over are just dying to get in.

 

And when they finally do, nobody complains when you walk all over them.

[AdventurePoser]

From one of my third graders at Vejar Elementary School....

 

"Mr. Carr, my fingers are very important to me because I've always been able to count on them."

 

Boy, will I miss these kids!

[Ken H.]

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

 

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

 

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

 

 

[1MPH]

Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm.

They ended up in a tie.

[elkroeger]

...A cemetery is great place to work...

 

Yeah, it was the best job I ever had - There were 10,000 people under me!

[doc47]

 

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

 

 

Reminds me of the battery-powered paper weight. When the batteries are dead it floats.

 

She was only the stableman's daughter but all the horse manure.

 

Don't yell through the screen door, Granny! You'll strain your voice!

[Boffin]

Get down of the gas-stove granny, you're too old to ride the range.

[Ken H.]

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

 

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

 

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 

 

[upflying]

The sty made it difficult to clean the hog pen.

[Mister Tee]

Granny went underwear shopping. What kind of undies will she get?

 

Depends...

[droptine1968]

All who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

[upflying]

The pilot landed with flair.

[upflying]

The prompt employee accepted legal tender for his currency.

[RavennaAl]

Sheep make great pets, as they are already house broken. When they have to go, they always use the ba-a-a-a-a-throom

[RavennaAl]

When my son was 9 I took him to Burger King. When we got out of the car, he stopped, pointed at a playing card that was on the ground and said "I don't believe it. How could someone loose the seven of hearts. I mean, how could you loose just one card?"

 

I said "Shhhh, don't say that too loud. He might hear you and he could be dangerous" Lowering his voice and looking concerned, my son said "You really think so?" To which I replied, "Oh yeah. It's obvious that whoever lost it isn't playing with a full deck".....

[elkroeger]

Dyslexics of America untie!

 

[AdventurePoser]

...A cemetery is great place to work...

 

Yeah, it was the best job I ever had - There were 10,000 people under me!

 

Let me guess...you guys will be here all week, right?

 

Steve

[Quinn]

My motorcycle won't stand up by itself at stop lights. It's too tired.

 

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[RavennaAl]

My car plays baseball for the Red Sox. Just yesterday it threw A-Rod out.

 

I'm going to enter my car into a stand-up comedy contest. Everyone tells me it has pretty good timing.

 

Off the coast of a small deserted island, a ship carrying red paint collided with a tanker filled with blue paint. Everyone was marooned there.

[elkroeger]

Oh, jeez, how could I forget the KING of stupid pun jokes:

 

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

 

Because 7 8 9.

 

Badum bum.

[tallman]

There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in

the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

[Mister Tee]

I was out of ideas for this thread so I threw a bunch of puns out on another forum to see if they could illicit a reaction.

 

No pun in ten did.

 

 

There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in

the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

 

Ahem.

[Ken H.]

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

 

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

 

Broken pencils are pointless.

 

 

[ArmyGuy]

My daughters have discovered puns, and are always anxious to share them with me. The ones about German sausages are the wurst.

[DaveTheAffable]

A family member was subpoenaed to a probate hearing in Denver but she didn't like the heir up there.

 

A guy I know went to court because he had been caught shoplifting. The judge was shocked when he took the stand.

[1MPH]

Schubert had a horse named Sarah.

He drove her to a big parade,

and all the time the band was playing

Schubert's Sarah neighed.

[Shaman97]

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

 

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

 

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

 

 

 

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire ... And so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 

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3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

 

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4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

 

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5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

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6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... The sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. 

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7. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

[Ken H.]

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

 

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

 

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

[doc47]

A man was married to a woman named Katherine. He had an affair with Edith and his wife found out about it. She filed for divorce telling him, “You can't have your Kate and Edith, too!”

 

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I'm sure most of you remember Mel Famy, the great left-handed pitcher for Milwaukee and how he choked and blew the deciding game of the pennant in '63. Few people know that it was actually the stress of the game that led to his downfall. You see, Mel Famy, to deal with the pressure, would sneak into the locker room between innings and tilt a few cans of his team's eponymous liquid. Yes, Mel Famy would knock back a can or two of beer before reappearing in the bullpen.

Suffice it to say, his performance suffered for it, although he was able to keep the secret for a long time. It wasn't until that pennant game that it all came to a head, so to speak.

As the game progressed his pitching grew more and more erratic and batter after batter took the stroll to first without so much as fanning the air over the plate.

The Brewers, as we all remember, lost the game. In the post-game interviews the opposing players were asked if the pitcher's drinking was responsible for the debacle. They were unanimous in their assessment: “It's the beer that made Mel Famy walk us!” they said.

[upflying]

Do you have an airbag in your car? Yes, she's sitting inside.

[norah]

Energizer bunny arrested...charged with battery.