Punny jokes

[doc47]

Anybody have any of this sort of story that ends with a more-or-less elaborate pun?

 

A man was married to a woman named Katherine. He had an affair with Edith and his wife found out about it. She filed for divorce telling him, “You can't have your Kate and Edith, too!”

[randys]

A dog walks into a bar and says, "I am looking for the man that shot my paw!"

[4wheeldog]

Joke is too long, but the punch line is, "Pardon me Roy, but is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

[Gregori]

Three brothers ask their father for a loan to start a beef ranch.

 

He tell them they'll get the money if they call name it Focus Ranch, and can tell him why.

 

It's quite simple, really - it's where the sons raise meat.

 

 

--------------

 

Fellow walks into a bar with a giraffe who promptly collapses next to the bar.

Bartender confronts the man - "Hey! Wots this lyin' 'ere on the floor?!"

Man says - "Ain't no lion, it's a giraffe!"

[Gary in Aus]

An Eskimo was sitting in his kayak and was really cold so he lit a fire to keep warm.

 

His kayak sank and he drowned which just proves that "you can't have your kayak and heat it to"

[Quinn]

When Mary Poppins quit being a nanny, she moved to San Francisco and became a fortune teller specializing in predicting bad breath. On her business card it read:

 

Super California Mystic, expert Halatosis.

 

----

 

 

[markgoodrich]

Joke is too long, but the punch line is, "Pardon me Roy, but is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

 

Ain't too long, best pun ever. I've told that a million times. Lotsa peoples in this old world have no sense of humor.

 

Roy Rogers (the cowboy actor not the great blues guitarist) was presented with a pair of brand new pointy black Stacy-Adams shoes by an appreciative public in Birmingham, as he boarded the train for points south in Tennessee. As was the custom at the time in Pullman sleepers, he placed his brand new shoes in a little cubby, so the porter could get them and shine them up even more during the night. He and Dale had a nice dinner in the dining car, and repaired to their sleeper. Roy, ever the gentleman, took the upper berth.

 

Unbeknownst to the Rogers/Evanses the woman traveling alone in the next compartment had smuggled her cat onto the train. In the night the cat managed to escape into the corridor of the car, through the shoe cubby (doors on both sides, you see) and, being naturally curious as, cats are, it managed to open Roy's shoe cubby. The smell of that new leather was more than the cat could take, and it spent an enjoyable late night chewing Roy's new shoes to, well, to shreds. After the porter had shined them and put them back in the cubby, you understand.

 

The next morning Roy decided to wear his new shoes instead of his usual cowboy boots, and...was devastated at the devastation of his new shoes. He couldn't figure out what had happened, and called the porter immediately. The porter was an unsually perceptive fellow, and noticed right away there was cat hair all around the cubby.

 

Just at that moment the woman in the adjoining compartment opened her door, and her cat jumped out of her arms and ran right between Dale's legs and out the train, like a flash. The porter exclaimed "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

 

You children won't get this reference at all, of course, so I have to educate you. Very un-PC lyrics by today's standards.

 

Those of you who know the melody, you are entirely welcome for the earworm insertion. No problem at all.

 

 

[doc47]

Keep it going!

 

Here's another:

 

I'm sure most of you remember Mel Famy, the great left-handed pitcher for Milwaukee and how he choked and blew the deciding game of the pennant in '63. Few people know that it was actually the stress of the game that led to his downfall. You see, Mel Famy, to deal with the pressure, would sneak into the locker room between innings and tilt a few cans of his team's eponymous liquid. Yes, Mel Famy would knock back a can or two of beer before reappearing in the bullpen.

Suffice it to say, his performance suffered for it, although he was able to keep the secret for a long time. It wasn't until that pennant game that it all came to a head, so to speak.

As the game progressed his pitching grew more and more erratic and batter after batter took the stroll to first without so much as fanning the air over the plate.

The Brewers, as we all remember, lost the game. In the post-game interviews the opposing players were asked if the pitcher's drinking was responsible for the debacle. They were unanimous in their assessment: “It's the beer that made Mel Famy walk us!” they said.

[doc47]

And one more:

 

During the early years of World War II a pair of English pilots stationed in North Africa were sitting in the officer's mess taking a pint of bitter. Both were boasting of their hunting prowess. The subject came round, as it ever will on such occasions, to one of the supreme game animals of them all, the desert lion. As the pilots became sufficiently lubricated they eventually challenged each other to a competition to see who would be the first to bag one of these wily creatures. It being a friendly wager, each would put up a pint of bitter as the prize. The contest would begin the following morning.

 

The first fellow, after suitable preparation, set off into the desert on foot with a fine Mannlicher-Schoenauer rifle. The other, more enterprising, prepared one of the Hurricane fighters and took off. It took him almost no time before he spotted one tawny beast loping along under the desert sun. He quickly dispatched it with his wing guns, flew back to the aerodrome, secured a lorry, retrieved the animal and returned to claim both glasses of bitter.

 

The shortest distance between two pints is a strafed lion.

[randys]

"It's a knick knack, paddywhack, give the frog a loan"

[ratfink]

A bun is the lowest form of wheat.

[Caddis]

Two fish were swimming along, when they suddenly hit a concrete wall. One fish turns to the other and says "Dam!".

[Caddis]

I entered 10 puns in a contest, hoping that one of them would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Quinn]

Why won't a motorcycle stand up by itself?

 

It's two tired.

 

----

 

 

[Fightingpiper]

Oh I see said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw....

[ratfink]

http://bmwsporttouring.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=57657&Number=636959#Post636959

[doc47]

http://bmwsporttouring.com/ubbthreads/ub...6959#Post636959

 

Amazing how many people never got the joke.

[elkroeger]

Every 3rd grader knows this one: Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

[Matts_12GS]

Philosophy professor walks in to see a tailor about a tear in his clothing. The tailor looks at the book under the prof's arm and says "Oh, Euripides...?" And the professor says, "Yeah, Eumenides?"

[Gregori]

The best recipe in Boston for Baked beans calls for exactly 239 beans.

But stop there, because just one more, and it'd be 240.

[ratfink]

Philosophy professor walks in to see a tailor about a tear in his clothing. The tailor looks at the book under the prof's arm and says "Oh, Euripides...?" And the professor says, "Yeah, Eumenides?"

 

The tailor replied, "Not worth fixin' but for $20.00, I Machiavelli good pair of pants."

[Matts_12GS]

Philosophy professor walks in to see a tailor about a tear in his clothing. The tailor looks at the book under the prof's arm and says "Oh, Euripides...?" And the professor says, "Yeah, Eumenides?"

 

The tailor replied, "Not worth fixin' but for $20.00, I Machiavelli good pair of pants."

I'd never heard that line of it before. Thanks!

[Caddis]

The Pearls Before Swine comic strip sometimes takes the long road to a bad pun. For example: this one or this one .

[doc47]

240.

 

 

[doc47]

An Englishman joined the International Brigades to fight in Spain during the Civil War. He was wounded in Catalonia and evacuated to a hospital in Barcelona. There, he was cared for by a nun and during his hospitalization they fell in love. She became pregnant by him and, of course, had to leave her order. With the Fascist victory in 1939 they fled back to England.

The baby was a boy whom they named Joseph. Joseph grew up to be a talented flute player. But jobs were scarce in post-war England, especially for musicians. Joe went to the country and found occasional work on a farm in Dorset. He was particularly good at ploughing.

Ultimately, he grew tired of the rural life and decided to do something more exciting. He would rob banks. He assembled a small gang and, guns blazing, knocked over two banks in London. With Interpol in hot pursuit he fled to the Continent and, leaving a string of false trails, took passage to Israel, where he knocked over three banks in Haifa.

Interpol sent out the following All-Points-Bulletin:

Be on the lookout for Shootin', Flutin', Haifa-lootin', Son-of-a-Nun from Barcelona, Part-Time Ploughboy, Joe!

[doc47]

A man was shipwrecked on what he thought was an uninhabited island. There was a reef and porpoises frolicking in the lagoon. On the beautiful sandy beach he noticed two lions sleeping soundly. Their bellies were bulging and they'd obviously had a full meal and were sleeping it off. Just a bit further down the beach a faded sign was posted: By Order of the Government Swimming in the Lagoon is Against the Law!

It was strange, he thought.

He was hungry, but the only thing he could see that might be edible were some seagulls. With stones he managed to knock down two of the birds.

Just then, far beyond the barrier reef he spotted a ship. “Wow!” he thought to himself. “I'm going to keep these birds in case I get much more hungry and swim out to those dolphins. They're supposed to be friendly to people and maybe I can get them to take me out to the ship and I'll be rescued.”

So, tucking the birds under his arm he ran down the beach, jumped over the lions and ran into the water.

Just then, a policeman ran out of the woods and placed him under arrest.

“What for?” asked the guy.

“ For carrying gulls across sated lions for illegal porpoises,” said the cop.

[ratfink]

Now those are some elaborate puns. For some reason, while I'm reading them I keep hearing the voice of Edward Everett Horton as if he is doing the narration.

 

A riddle for you: Why is a man sailing up the Tigris river like a scoundrel stuffing his father into a sack?

 

 

 

Give Up?

 

 

 

 

 

They are both out to Bagdad!

 

 

 

 

 

[ESokoloff]

"It's a knick knack, paddywhack, give the frog a loan"

 

Thats the punch line & here is the joke..

 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

 

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

 

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

 

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

 

She holds up the tiny pink pig.

"I mean, what the heck is this?"

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says,

 

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.

Give the frog a loan.

His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[ESokoloff]

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

 

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

 

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

 

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

 

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot"

[artig]

There was a very long-running radio series on the BBC called "My Word!", where two of the contestants, Frank Muir and Denis Norden, had to 'explain' the origins of some well-known quotations. Each had woven a convoluted story to explain the origins, and the one which received the longest audience applause won a point. Several books with "My Word!" stories have been published.

 

The stories are far too long to include here, but some of the punch lines are:

Maud, bored, and dangerous to gnaw.

Charity shall cover the multitude of gins.

Harp strings hit colonel in the Schumann test.

Old soiljars never dye.

Soup .. a cauli .. fridge .. elastic .. eggs .. pea .. halitosis.

Crate irks packed Asians.

Chihuahua boom today.

The lease said "sauna's mended".

The law is not concerned with trayfulls.

A gran is no cure for the heartache.

Stand a little lass between me and the Seine.

Ostrich and twine shaves nine.

He who has sad dates is last.

O, for the winge, the winge of a duff.

My bee eats because I'm a landowner.

If at first you don't suck seed, try drier grain.

Windows will never seize.

Half a love is better than no bride.

Good pie. Missed the chips.

 

 

[Quinn]

The other day I was watching Sesame Steet on PBS and they were doing the "which one of these things is not like the other things; which of these things does not belong?" They showed a crab, a lobster, a flounder, and a Japanese tourist that had been run over by a bus.

 

They said that the flounder did not belong. All the others were crushed Asians.

 

----

 

 

[Matts_12GS]

In that vein...

Here are the lyrics to one of the greatest puns of all in my opinion.

 

Wet Dreams

by Kip Addotta

 

 

Lyrics:

 

It was April the forty-first

Being a quadruple leap year

I was driving in downtown Atlantis

My barracuda was in the shop

So I was in a rented stingray

And it was overheating

 

So I pulled into a Shell Station

They said I'd blown a seal

I said, "Fix the damn thing

And leave my private life out of it

Okay pal?"

 

While they were doing that

I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive

But I knew the owner

He used to play for the Dolphins

I said "Hi Gil"

You have to yell, he's hard of herring

 

Think I had a wet dream

Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream

Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

Wet dream

 

Gil was also down on his luck

Fact is he was barely keeping his head below water

I bellied up to the sandbar

He poured me the usual

 

Rusty snail, hold the grunion

Shaken not stirred

With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side

Heavy on the mako

 

I slipped him a fin

On porpoise

I was feeling good

I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids

For the halibut

 

Well the place was crowded

We were packed in like sardines They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal

What sole

 

Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna

Salmon Chanted Evening

And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers

Probably there to see the bass player

 

One of them was this cute little yellowtail

And she's giving me the eye

So I figured this is my chance for a little fun

You know, piece of Pisces

 

But she said things I just couldn't fathom

She was too deep, seemed to be under a lot of pressure

Boy, could she drink

She drank like a . . .

She drank a lot

 

I said "What's your sign"

She said "Aquarium"

I said "Great, let's get tanked"

 

Think I had a wet dream

Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream

Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

Wet dream

 

I invited her to my place for a midnight bait

I said "Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows"

She threw me that same old line

"Not tonight, I gotta haddock"

 

And she wasn't kidding either

Cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock

I'd ever seen come down the pike

He was covered with mussels

 

He came over to me and said

"Listen, shrimp, don't you come trollin' around here"

What a crab

This guy was steamed

I could see the anchor in his eyes

 

I turned to him, I said

"A-balone, you're just being shellfish"

Well, I knew it was going to be trouble and so did Gil

‘Cause he was already on the phone to the cods

 

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch

I catch him with a left hook

He eels over

It was a fluke but there he was

Lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel

Kelpless

 

I said "Forget the cods Gil

This guy's gonna need a sturgeon"

Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend

She came over to me, she said

"Hey, big boy, you're really a game fish

What's your name"

I said "Marlin"

 

Think I had a wet dream

Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream

Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

Wet dream

 

Well, from then on we had a whale of a time

I took her to dinner, I took her to dance

I bought her a bouquet of flounders

And then I went home with her

And what did I get for my trouble

A case of the clams

 

Think I had a wet dream

Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream

Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

[ESokoloff]

In that vein...

Here are the lyrics to one of the greatest puns of all in my opinion.

 

Wet Dreams

by Kip Addotta

 

 

[doc47]

I had a patient just the other day with the worst case of clams I've ever seen.

 

Here's another clam:

 

The Wounded Aviator

 

An American P-38 pilot was wounded in the South Pacific. After his surgeries he was taken to Mercy Hospital in Melbourne for recuperation. He did well and gradually regained his strength.

When he was well enough he asked the nursing sister for some coffee with his breakfast.

“I'm sorry, captain,” she said. “What with the Japanese submarines and such we haven't seen real coffee in ages! How about a nice cup of tea?”

“It's not coffee, but it will have to do,” said the Yank.

Ten minutes later the nurse reappeared with a steaming mug. The flier stirred in a couple of spoons of sugar, took a big mouthful and gagged. “My God! he exclaimed, spitting it out.” It's full of fur!”

“Well, of course, “ she replied evenly. “It's koala tea!”

“Koala tea???”

“Well, yes.” she explained. “We can't get real tea because that all comes from Ceylon and the ships just can't get through. So we've been making due with our home-made koala tea.”

“Well,” admitted the Yank. “It tastes OK but can't you strain out the hair?”

“Sir, “ the nurse huffed. “The koala tea of Mercy is not strained!”

[Quinn]

***risque warning****

 

I majored in a foreign language in college to become a clever translator because I thought my girlfriend said she liked cunning linquists.

 

----

 

 

[taters]

Two termites walk into a bar. One termite says to the other " is the bar tender here"?

[doc47]

So this guy goes to see the doctor.

“Doctor,” he says, “I've got this problem with wind. Y'know I'm really gassy and it's embarrassing.”

“Well,” says the sawbones, “that's not uncommon. Many people have that problem.”

“But mine is a little bit different,” says Mr. Posterior Tunes. “In fact, I feel one coming on. You'll see.” A moment later the man leaned to the side and two quick rear-end exhalations sounded, and they went, “Honda! Honda!”

The doctor was amazed. “Do they always sound like that?”

“Yes. For the last five months. It's driving me batty. Do something for me!”

The doctor took a careful history and review of systems, then examined the man thoroughly.

“You know,” he said. “I don't find a thing wrong. We'll do a few tests but I think for the time being we'll treat this as a normal case of flatulence and see what happens.”

The patient agreed but two weeks later he was back and his nether wind still murmured “Honda! Honda!”

The doctor tried a few more ideas but nothing helped.

Some time later he and the patient were in his office, both scratching their heads. The doctor had to admit that neither did he have an explanation for the man's unusual problem nor did he have a remedy.

Then suddenly, the doctor brightened up. “This may sound like a weird thought but I'm pretty much out of other ideas. There's a Japanese proctologist I know on the other side of town, Dr. Yoshio Takamura. Would you mind going to see him? It's a bit of a reach but the things do go 'Honda! Honda!' and Takamura's Japanese. I know it's far-fetched but maybe he'll have some idea what's going on.”

The patient agreed. The next week he was back to see the doctor.

“Doc, I'm cured!” he crowed. “Thanks for sending me to Doctor Takamura. He was great. As soon as I told him what the problem was he knew what was wrong. He did a simple operation and I was cured!”

The doctor was mystified. He called Dr. Takamura on the phone.

“Hey, Yosh! How are you? You remember that fellow I sent with the flatulence problem? The ones that go 'Honda! Honda!'?”

“Of course I remember. Very unusual but very typical of this probrem.”

“Well, what was the problem?” asked the doctor.

“Oh! Peri-anal abscess!”

“Peri-anal abscess! But my patient said you made the diagnosis just from the history; before you even examined him.”

“Well, yes. As I said this a very typical probrem. One can make diagnosis just from history!”

“How is that, Yosh?”

“Well, everyone know,” said Dr. Takamura, “ Abscess Make The Fart Go 'Honda!'”

[Husker Red]

Guy named Artie has a business called "Anything for a buck." A woman comes to his business and wants to hire him to kill her husband, the night manager at the Hinky Dinky (local grocery store.) Artie takes the job, but then Artie being the clever guy he was, realizes most methods of killing the man will remove his profit margin. Bullets cost money, as do knives and rope, so he will have to strangle the man.

 

Artie goes into the store late at night and sneaks up on the manager and does him in. Unfortunately he is spotted by a bag boy and checkout girl so he has to strangle them as well. They had already hit the silent alrm and Artie was arrested as he walked out of the store. The next morning the newspaper headline said,

 

"Artie chokes three for a dollar at Hinky Dinky!"

 

[ratfink]

For half of my adult life I was married to Francie Marie. She was continually working out on the treadmill while listening to talk shows on the boombox.

 

So i guess you could say I lived with Francie M.-- radioactive half-wife of twenty years.

[markgoodrich]

This is a true story. A guy named French was convicted of murder, and on the day before he was to be taken to the electric chair, he suggested that the headlines the next day should read "French Fries."