When work gets in the way of family.

[Kitsap]

In today's economy it's nice to have a job, but what if your employer, other than the military, wanted you to spend the next 6 months on the other side of the world away from your family?

 

Don't mistake this for whining, I'm venting.

[yabadabapal]

The post title says it all. "When work gets in the way of Family".

Other than work performed in the interest and welfare of our country, there is no job or money that is as great or as important as our family and friends. But, another reality also exists that many people have to do what they are told to do in the work place because we have created debt that exceeds our income and compels us to compromise our values in order to keep the lion away. Now, If I could take my family with me and give the young ones a great education, etc, Id probably go. But not without the family.

[Dennis Andress]

It's a choice, and perhaps an opportunity to learn, grow, and advance. What would your boss do if you told him/her: "If I go then when I come back I want to be promoted to ____ position"

 

Dennis

[russell_bynum]

It's a choice, and perhaps an opportunity to learn, grow, and advance. What would your boss do if you told him/her: "If I go then when I come back I want to be promoted to ____ position"

 

Dennis

 

+1

 

 

[Francois_Dumas]

Been there, done that, felt guilty about it and still do sometimes.. but am 35 years married this year and my daughter still says she loves me..... and I learned a bundle !

[Kitsap]

Well it will be in your neighborhood if it must happen.

[Firefight911]

I kind of look at it a couple ways. One, you are thought of rather highly to be asked to do this. Two, it could, professionally, lead to career advancement in the future. Three, it's time for a long talk with the family. Four, It could be a fantastic opportunity personally, not just professionally.

 

Get a stipend included to have your family flown over every month for a week.

 

Hopefully, this is not a rushed thing as it will take some time to digest it and work through the emotions, let alone the details.

 

Oh, and take your camera! Francois will take you to some cool places on your rented/borrowed/purchased bike while over there!

 

Tough decision. Let the emotion come down before jumping in to the decision.

[Joel]

I'd look at it over the long term, rather than the immediate impact. Could you and your family be better off in the long run? It wasn't half way around the world, but this happened twice in five years in my family when I was a kid. I remember it being inconvenient and disappointing at times, but not so bad, and 6 months can go by pretty quick. Each time turned out to be a significant step forward for our family. I'm sure it took a greater toll on my Dad than the rest of us, but he didn't come out any worse for the wear, either. Sometimes shaking things up a little can be a good thing.

[pbharvey]

I would not work for someone who would ask me to leave my family for 6 months nor would I hire someone who was willing to leave his family for 6 months but that's just me. However, I've spent many, many hours at my office at my family' expense so I'm not altogether innocent in putting family before work. Moving away for more than a month though is a deal breaker for me.

[SeanC]

That's a tough situation, Wade.

 

For me, I'd have to say no thanks, primarily because my son is 4 years old and my daughter just turned 1. Missing six months of their lives at this young age would just be too much for me. But if they were in, say, middle school or junior high, I might think about it (provided the company paid for me to come home at least twice).

 

Best of luck, whatever you choose.

[elkroeger]

I suppose you gotta weigh your options: #1 how hard would it be to get another job? Some folks/fields have an easier time of it than others... #2 Where is it? Somewhere nice, we hope! And can the family go with you (maybe for part of it?) #3 how much is it worth *to them* to send you there?

 

I know it sounds daunting (been there myself), and it can be a crap out, but sometimes temporary moves like that can be a great little adventure and change of pace. Get your employer to ship the fam. out for a few visits....

 

best of luck!

[Albert]

Get a stipend included to have your family flown over every month for a week.

 

+1. I had to do this not long ago (only 10 weeks but same idea). The company offerred to fly me home or my spouse to where I was every 2 weeks. I will add our children are grown so that was not an issue.

[Shaman97]

Can you have your family accompany you?

 

If you have kids in school, that may be an impossibility. If your wife could go with you, that would solve some problems there.

 

I'd imagine renting an apartment would be cheaper than having a hotel room the entire time.

 

Embrace the change if you can.

[Ken H.]

You know the old axiom - Nobody ever said on their death bed, “I wish I had spent more time at work.”

[russell_bynum]

You know the old axiom - Nobody ever said on their death bed, “I wish I had spent more time at work.”

 

The other old axiom that may be relevant in this situation is "No pain, no gain."

 

 

[Nice n Easy Rider]

You know the old axiom - Nobody ever said on their death bed, “I wish I had spent more time at work.”

You haven't met my boss.

[Ken H.]

You know the old axiom - Nobody ever said on their death bed, “I wish I had spent more time at work.”

The other old axiom that may be relevant in this situation is "No pain, no gain."

It’s so interesting that this subject would come up here while at the same time I’m having a similar discussion at work with a woman who is on the other side of this fence. Her hubby has been gone for 6 months with only a couple of 3-4 day retrieves and just told her this weekend he likely will not be home for Xmas. They have a three & a six-year old. She is livid, “I didn’t sign up for a part-time husband and father, and these days will never come back. No career of his is worth it to me. I don’t want his paychecks, I want him.” They’re not even speaking at the moment, she won’t return his phone calls she’s so PO’ed.

 

The “pain” of the “gain” is too high of a price to pay.

 

Besides, I’ve always thought that saying was BS. You can have plenty of gain without pain, and pain doesn’t necessarily lead to gain. It’s a brainwashing designed to make people embrace the negative on a promise of a positive.

 

[Ken H.]

You know the old axiom - Nobody ever said on their death bed, “I wish I had spent more time at work.”

You haven't met my boss.

Make a note to ask him again on his death bed!

[russell_bynum]

The “pain” of the “gain” is too high of a price to pay.

 

Maybe. It depends on the individual situation.

 

 

Besides, I’ve always thought that saying was BS. You can have plenty of gain without pain, and pain doesn’t necessarily lead to gain. It’s a brainwashing designed to make people embrace the negative on a promise of a positive.

 

Aren't you the same guy who is frequently heard harping on the "me first", "I want it now" attitude of so many folks these days and talking about how we should all be looking at "the big picture"?

 

 

 

[upflying]

I would jump at the chance to travel and work elsewhere. You can continue communicating with your family through a video phone and email.

I've been away for a few weeks in the past. Your family appreciates you more when you return.

You could also send your family a plane ticket and have them meet you for a few days.

When I was a kid, my father was gone for years on overseas assignments. Never bothered me and I managed to grow up without being a wacko.

[Quinn]

A lot of people do it. Military mostly. I was an Army brat growing up and guess I just thought it was normal; I mean, what good was a father anyway? He went to work every day, came home and read or watched TV. He was more a visitor than a fully participating family member. Later on, when he retired, he seemed more my supervisor than my parent. I think he felt that he'd missed so much in the early years that he didn't have a right to be a full-fledged parental unit. I suspect it has an effect on the kids but I've never seen any definitive studies on military brats and long lasting effects such as socialization or handling stress.

 

Of course, there's also a lot of single parent families nowadays. The other parent is just never coming home. So how bad is that on the kids vs. not coming home for a year? How bad is it on the spouse?

 

 

[Ken H.]

Aren't you the same guy who is frequently heard harping on the "me first", "I want it now" attitude of so many folks these days and talking about how we should all be looking at "the big picture"?

IMHO putting career advancement before family responsibility/opportunity/gift is a ”me first” attitude.

 

Sure they may benefit from some of the collateral gains of the financial improvement, short or long term, but not enough to offset the collateral losses of the missed opportunities/moments.

 

“Guess what dear I got the promotion! How was Mary’s piano recital?” says Jim on the phone to his wife June. While June is thinking, ‘B-f-d, I’M the one who had to deal with the flat tire in the snow on the way to taking Jason to daycare and I was two hours late to work.’

 

[Ken H.]

I would jump at the chance to travel and work elsewhere. You can continue communicating with your family through a video phone and email.

Ah yes, I can see the commercial tag line now...

 

“Skype's New Video Phone – It’s like virtually not being there!”

[russell_bynum]

Aren't you the same guy who is frequently heard harping on the "me first", "I want it now" attitude of so many folks these days and talking about how we should all be looking at "the big picture"?

IMHO putting career advancement before family responsibility/opportunity/gift is a ”me first” attitude.

 

Sure they may benefit from some of the collateral gains of the financial improvement, short or long term, but not enough to offset the collateral losses of the missed opportunities/moments.

 

“Guess what dear I got the promotion! How was Mary’s piano recital?” says Jim on the phone to his wife June. While June is thinking, ‘B-f-d, I’M the one who had to deal with the flat tire in the snow on the way to taking Jason to daycare and I was two hours late to work.’

 

Like I said...maybe. It totally depends on the situation.

 

Maybe after six months Jim gets the promotion and is back home and working a normal schedule...and the extra money means June doesn't have to work anymore so they don't need daycare for Jason...and they can afford to buy that piano for Mary.

 

 

[Ken H.]

Maybe after six months Jim gets the promotion and is back home and working a normal schedule...and the extra money means June doesn't have to work anymore so they don't need daycare for Jason...and they can afford to buy that piano for Mary.

He still missed the recital.

 

He being there almost certainly would have meant more to little Mary than the new piano now sitting in the living room does.

 

See, the thing is, you can’t buy back the past. The moment is (and there are 100s of them each and every week) only in the moment. In our westernized society we tend to think providing things = providing love. That we have to ply our children (and spouses too) with all the possession that are the trappings of modern society to be “good parents.” When in reality all they really want is for them to be there.

 

[russell_bynum]

Maybe after six months Jim gets the promotion and is back home and working a normal schedule...and the extra money means June doesn't have to work anymore so they don't need daycare for Jason...and they can afford to buy that piano for Mary.

He still missed the recital.

 

He being there almost certainly would have meant more to little Mary than the new piano now sitting in the living room does.

 

See, the thing is, you can’t buy back the past. The moment is (and there are 100s of them each and every week) only in the moment. In our westernized society we tend to think providing things = providing love. That we have to ply our children (and spouses too) with all the possession that are the trappings of modern society to be “good parents.” When in reality all they really want is for them to be there.

 

Like I said...it depends.

 

How old are the kids? How often can you come home or fly them out to visit? How big is the reward?

 

Continuing your logic to its natural conclusion, nobody should work because it means time away from the kids.

 

Everything is about compromise.

[Mike]

It's always complicated, especially in a bad economy when job alternatives are not necessarily plentiful. It's impossible for an outsider to know the right choice for you and your family.

 

The thing you must do is sit down with everyone in the family (at least those capable of understanding and contributing), talk through the pros and cons, and come to a decision based on everyone's input. There's no way that something like this is entirely positive or entirely negative. If you do come to the decision that you're going to stick with your employer and accept the remote assignment, it's absolutely essential that you negotiate a package that will allow you to get home on a regular basis, or permit your family to visit you regularly.

 

Sometimes these things do open up opportunities to enhance your career and they can benefit your entire family. One thing to be aware of in negotiating the specifics is that living separately like this actually gets pretty expensive. You need to have a very clear understanding of how the company is going to make this work for you, from a family and a financial perspective.

[SeanC]

I agree with Ken's general sentiment -- you can't buy back missed time -- but also agree with Russell's position that it all depends on a number of conditions specific to the individual.

 

Before I started school, my dad was in grad school. About the time I started kindergarten, he was writing his dissertation. Needless to say, I didn't see a lot of him, and when I did, he seemed pretty immersed. I remember the day in kindergarten when everyone was asked what their dads did. I said my dad was a "typist." It seemed like he was always surrounded by books and papers tapping away, and I had probably picked up the word "typist" somewhere and thought it applied to what he did.

 

But he was good about making up for that lost time. The free time he did have he made the best of. And of course, by the time he was a professor, he had a lot of time to spend with us, a lot more than any of my friends' dads.