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Silver Surfer/AKAButters

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Silver Surfer/AKAButters

Here's good one lifted from the K12 site:

 

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

 

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like

alcohol at all.

 

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

 

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

 

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

 

And next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

 

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,

spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

 

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

 

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

 

His 16-year-old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

 

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind; you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'

 

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

 

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

'Leave me alone b$$h, I'm married!!'

 

Broken coffee Table $239.99

 

Hot breakfast $4.20

 

Two aspirins $.38

 

Saying the right thing, at the right time:

 

PRICELESS

 

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Can't remember where I heard this one before...

 

Three couples (an older married couple, a couple who has been married for 10 years, and some newlyweds) join a church that is teaching about not giving into temptation. To join the congregation they must not have $ex for 2 weeks. After the two weeks are over, the pastor asks how each couple performed and if they followed one one simple rule, will welcome them to the church.

 

First the pastor asks how the older couple made out over the past two weeks. They reply that it wasn't really much an issue for them, since romance was the last things on their mind as of late. The pastor welcomed them to the church.

 

Next, the pastor asks how the 10 year married couple made out. They reply that they followed his rule, however it was not so easy. The man ended up sleeping in another room or on the couch a few nights. Since they made follwed the rule, they were also welcomed to the church.

 

Lastly he came to the newlyweds. Did you two follow my rule he asks? The man replies, "Well you see its like this: We were fine after the first week, but Betty and I have been working on the house, and when Betty came down the ladder with a bucket of paint, she bent over in front of me and I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to have her right then and there."

 

"I'm sorry" the pastor replied, "but since you could not follow my one simple rule, you are not welcome at the church."

 

"I understand", then man replied "because of this we are not welcome at the Home Depot either!"

 

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A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, Spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, 'Hello. My name is Carmen.'

 

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied. 'Is it a family name?'

 

'No,' she replied. 'Actually I gave it to myself. It Represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men.

Therefore, I chose 'Carmen'. What's your name?'

 

He answered 'B.J. Titzengolf'

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banplease.gif

 

See you in a couple weeks Whip.

 

I'm gonna stop this time, on the way back.

 

 

I sure hope so...........................but..................

 

 

I've heard that before...

 

 

:(

 

 

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Man came in for a job interview. Spoke with a slight lisp.

 

Employer: "I see you have a lot of experience in time management. Where did you learn that?"

 

Interviewee: "Yale."

 

Employer: "Okay you're hired. By the way, what's your name?"

 

Interviewee: "Yim Yohnson."

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banplease.gif

 

See you in a couple weeks Whip.

 

I'm gonna stop this time, on the way back.

 

 

I sure hope so...........................but..................

 

 

I've heard that before...

 

 

:(

 

 

A; If he doesn't stop on the way over, he'll never make it.

 

B; If he stops on the way over, he'll never make it.

 

 

:lurk:

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DaveTheAffable

Conversation in a Florida racetrack stables:

 

Horse #1 - "I don't mean to brag, but I've won 25 of my last 38 races."

 

Horse #2 - "Well, that's pretty good. But I've won 26 of my last 28 races."

 

Greyhound walking thru stables - "Well, if it's bragging you want, I've won 43 of my last 44 races.

 

Horse #1 - "Why...it's incredible! I can't believe it!.... it's

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.....a talking dog!"

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Well, if we are on the golf theme, sort of, try this one:

 

 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

 

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

 

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

 

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side.

 

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

 

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken .

 

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Staying with golf....

 

Two men are playing golf and having a great round just tearing up the course.

 

They catch up to a twosome of women ahead of them playing veeeerrryy slowly.

 

Frustrated, one of the men goes up the hill to ask if they can play through.

 

Halfway up he turns back and tells his partner, "I can't go up there, that's my wife and my mistress!"

 

The other gent volunteers, gets halfway up the hill and returns. He looks at his partner and say "Small world isn't it..."

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A single joins 3 other guys for a foursome at the local course. About the 4th hole, a funeral procession passes on the nearby roadway. The new guy stops, doffs his cap and stands silently as it passes.

 

His three new pals were impressed with his reverence for the dead, and one said "That was nice of you to show your respect like that" and he replies:

 

"Well, I was married to her for 12 years"

 

 

(yeah, old but on the off chance somebody hadn't yet enjoyed it)

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Old guy is playing a foursome with friends. He tees off on a par 4. Ball goes into rough, as usual. He finds ball, takes a sand wedge from his bag. Frog hops up, says, "Use a 9-iron."

Old guy shrugs, takes out 9-iron. Full swing, ball arcs out over fairway, bounces onto green, rolls along into the cup for an eagle.

Everyone cheers, old guy grins, it's his first three-under ever.

Frog hops over, says, "Kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful young woman."

Old guy picks up frog and puts him in his pocket.

"Aren't you going to kiss the frog?" one of his companions asks.

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

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An Irishman is sitting at a bar and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

 

An attractive woman sitting nearby notices this and asks him, "Is your date running late?

 

No", he replies, "I have this new state of the art watch and I was just testing it."

 

The intrigued woman says, "A state of the art watch? What's so special about it?"

 

The Irishman explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

 

The lady asks "What is your watch telling you right now?" "It says you're not wearing any panties."

 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am most certainly wearing panties!"

 

The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?"

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A 75 YEARS OLD MAN WHO LOVES TO FISH WAS SITTING IN HIS BOAT THE OTHER DAY, WHEN HE HEARD A VOICE SAY, "PICK ME UP." HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULDN'T SEE ANYONE. HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMING WHEN HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP." HE LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON TOP WAS A FROG. THE OLD MAN SAID, "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"

 

THE FROG SAID, "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS ME AND I'll TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE MOST WONDERFUL PLEASURES THAT YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF."

 

THE OLD MAN LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN REACHED OVER AND PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS FRONT BREAST POCKET.

 

THEN THE FROG SAID, "ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? I SAID KISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU PLEASURES LIKE YOU'VE NEVER HAD BEFORE."

 

THE OLD MAN OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID, "AT MY AGE I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE A TALKING FROG

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These three guys had been sitting in the Sky View Bar atop of one the city’s tallest buildings all afternoon drinking and bullshitting when the first guy says, “You know, these two buildings are so tall, and so close together, and the updraft wind current between them is so strong, that if you jump off, it will push you back up.”

 

The second guy goes, “Oh what a bunch of crap! That’s impossible!”

 

So after they argue for awhile, the third guy sitting there replies, “It’s true! Let’s go up to the roof and we’ll prove it!”

 

So they go up to the observation deck and the first guy climbs over the fence, out onto the ledge, and jumps off...

 

Ayeeeeee...

 

 

 

 

 

Then, sure enough... woooooooosh... Up the guy comes. He grabs hold of the edge and struggles back onto the deck.

 

The second guy’s eyes bug out, “Wow! That’s really amazing!’

 

The third tells the second guy, “Yeah it’s really fun! Want to try it?”

 

So the second guy hesitates for a second, but then climbs out to the edge and jumps into the wind...

 

Ayeeeeee...

 

 

 

 

 

Splat!

 

 

 

 

 

Third guy turns to the first guy and says, ‘You know Superman, sometimes you can be a real prick when you get drunk.”

 

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A couple of tourists are walking in the country, going past a farm. Close by the farmer is sitting on a stool and milking a cow. Tourist lost his watch so he asks the farmer: Can you tell me please what time it is? The farmer touches and pushes the cow's udder and says: half past eleven. Tourists shake their heads but find out later that the farmer was right.

To double check they walk by again later and the farmer is milking another cow, in the same place. So they ask again: Please, what time is it? Again the farmer pushes the udder with his hand and says: half past five. Tourists are flabbergasted. They ask the farmer what is the magic to tell the time of day by pushing the udder of a cow. Farmer says: Nah, no magic, I push the udder away and I see the steeple of the church with the clock...

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A Frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

 

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

 

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

 

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

 

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

 

 

 

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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A Frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

 

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

 

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

 

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

 

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

 

 

 

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

The crowd is heard groaning aloud!!

 

Good one.

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A philosopher walks into a bar, the bartender asks him "Monsieur Descartes will you have your usual" to which he replied "I think not" and he disappeared

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There once was a toad that was excluded from all Green Toad activities because he was a handsome shade of yellow. So he went to visit a beautiful fairy in the town over who had the power to grant wishes.

"Fairy," he said. "I would like to be green, so I can play with all the other toads."

 

"Granted!" said the fairy, who turned him yellow. Unfortunately, his little toady penis was still yellow.

 

"What about my penis?" he asked the fairy.

 

"Oh! For that, you'll have to go see the wizard." And so the toad hopped off to find the wizard. Soon, a pink elephant visited the fairy, and he wished to be turned gray. She granted him the wish, but, as with the toad, his penis was still pink. So she told him to visit the wizard.

 

"How do I find the wizard?" he asked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Just follow the yellow dick toad."

 

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Arnold Palmer and three buddies are out on the course playing a friendly round of golf when a tremendous lightening storm blows in. One golfer says, "we'd better head for the clubhouse". Arnold defiantly reaches into his bag, draws out a 1-iron and holds it high above his head. His 4-some was terrified and asked, “What are you doing? Are you crazy”?

 

He calmly replied, "Not even God can hit a 1-iron"!

 

 

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

 

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

 

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

 

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...."

 

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.

 

"How did it happen, Tim?"

 

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

 

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

 

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

 

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Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench on North Avenue. After a while, one said, "By the way, George, how's your wife?"

 

"I think she's dead."

 

"What do you mean, you think she dead?"

 

"Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

__________________

 

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Back on golf, paraphrased from this month's Golf Magazine:

 

After a young couple gets married, the husband shows the wife a box and tells her "If you ever open this box, we'll divorce on the spot."

 

50 years later, the wife approaches the husband, who is on his death bed. "I just have to know about this box," she says.

 

"Open it," he says.

 

Inside are two golf balls and $1,500.

 

"So, what does this mean?" she asks.

 

"Each time I was unfaithful, I put a golf ball in the box," he says.

 

Crestfallen, the wife says "OK, but what about the money?"

 

"Each time I accumulated a dozen balls, I sold 'em."

 

(For you non-golfers: decent golf balls currently go for about $45/dozen when new.)

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Back in the days of the U.S.S.R., a factory worker was leaving work for home, pushing a wheel barrow with a stuffed burlap sack in it. The armed guard stopped him, & asked what he was stealing. The man says "nothing, these are wood shavings I swept up to use for heating my home". The guard ordered him to empty the sack, so he did. Just as he said, it was full of wood shavings. The guard told him to pick it up, & sent him on his way.

 

Next night, same thing. Guard asks what he's stealing, man says '"nothing". Empties the sack, & the guard lets him go.

 

This goes on for weeks. Then months. Finally, after a year of this, the guard is completely frustrated. He stops the man, goes through the same routine, & finally can't take it anymore. He blurts out to the man, "look, I know you're stealing SOMETHING, I just don't know what. I don't care, either. I won't turn you in, but you MUST tell me. What are you stealing?"

 

The man says, "wheel barrows".

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An Irishman walking home from his local slips and falls in a stony ditch. Reaching for the pint in his back pocket he feels liquid running down his leg. He looks heavenward and says "Please God, let it be blood"

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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

 

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

 

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in my grade."

 

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

 

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career!"

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In Memorium

 

 

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

 

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Sunday morning Mass in Dublin, and Father Flanagan is giving the sermon of his life...

See, the good father has been troubled recently by talk that much of his flock is superstitious.

 

Gripping the lecturn, the good padre thunders down "Lads, lasses, I understand that a goodly lot of ye believe in ghosts... So, tell me, which of ye, if indeed any of ye believe in ghosts?"

 

Nearly 90% of the congregants raise their hands

 

Shocked, but not dissuaded, Father Flanagan persists...

 

"Aye says the father, that's a goodly lot of ye... So tell me, which of ye, if indeed any of ye has actually ever seen a ghost?"

 

Fully half of the previous congregants raise their hands.

 

Not to let his concern be seen the Father pulls out the "big gun" figuring to prove his point...

 

"Aye! 'Tis indeed a goodly lot of you have seen a ghost... So tell me, which of ye, if indeed any of ye, has ever made love to a ghost?"

 

The church goes quiet as a tomb as slowly, unsteadily the hand of 98 year Sean O'Malley goes up..

 

Father Flanagan is stunned to silence. His life's work, his calling, years of schooling, years of building a parish, years of self denial for a cause flash before his eyes, a train wreck about to happen....

 

Slowly he says to Sean... "Lad, you mean to tell me, you've made love to a ghost?"

 

Sean O'Malley looks up to the Father a bit perplexed and says "Ghost? I thought ye said GOAT Father....

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AdventurePoser

A zen master walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

 

When the zen master asks for his change, the vendor responds, "Change comes from within."

 

Steve in So Cal

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Pepito's vocabulary lessons:

 

1. *Cheese*

The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

 

2. *Mushroom*

When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

 

3. *Shoulder*

My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

 

4. * Texas *

My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

 

5. *Herpes*

Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

 

6. *July*

Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

 

7. *Rectum*

I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

 

8. *Chicken*

I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

 

9. *Wheelchair*

We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

 

10. *Chicken* *wing*

My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

 

11. *Harassment*

My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

 

12. *Bishop*

My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

 

13. *Body wash*

I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

 

14. *Budweiser*

That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

 

 

 

 

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11. *Harassment*

My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

 

Thank you Senator Packwood...

:rofl:

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A man walks into a pet store and is looking around when he spots a

Chimpanzee in a cage marked, “$1000”. The man looks a little closer

and discovers that the chimpanzee is wearing a T-shirt bearing the

Maltese Cross and is cleaning a fog nozzle. Curious about this, the

man summons the storekeeper and asks him what the deal is with

this thousand dollar monkey.

“Sir, You have discovered our Fire Service Monkeys”. This one is our

Firefighter version. It has a Basic Firefighters certification with

IFSAC seals, is also a Licensed Paramedic, can perform vehicle

extrications, high angle rescue and is up to date on current

CPR standards. A very good value for a thousand dollars.

The man is suitably impressed and moves to the next cage, which

is occupied by a gorilla – also wearing the same T-shirt, but is

gnawing on a pen and reading training manuals.

The storekeeper states, “Sir, You have discovered the Captain model.

This one has an Advanced Firefighter certification, is capable of

training the other monkeys in basic firefighting skills, and can manage

any emergency scene. It can also type. A very good value for five-

thousand, Sir.”

Impressed, the man moves to the last cage. Inside, he finds an

orangutan, dressed in a white shirt and a tie, but holding only a

coffee cup. The man says, “What does this one do that he’s worth

$10,000 ?”

The storekeeper clears his throat and says, “Ah, sir, well, um… we

have never actually seen him do anything except drink coffee and

play with himself, but he says he’s a Battalion Chief.”

 

 

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Two strings walk into a bar and order drinks. The bartender says, sorry we don't serve strings here. They both leave some what disgruntled.

One says to the other, I have an idea. He takes his comb out of his pocket, spikes his hair, and ties him self in a knot . Let's try this and they walk down the street to the next bar.

They enter the bar and order two drinks. The bartender looks and them and says, your strings aren't you.

The one replies :

I'm afraid not.

 

Should I duck

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One of the funniest jokes I know is very old, but would never pass admin. Does the punch line rekindle old memories...?

 

"Are you OK?"

 

"Yeah, but I don't think I can take 67 more of those."

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House; one from Chicago Illinois, one from Tennessee, and a third from Kentucky. They all go with a White House official to examine the fence

 

The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

 

The official, incredulous, whispers back, "You didn’t even measure like the other guys, How did you come up with such a high figure?"

 

The Chicago Illinois contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy over there from Kentucky to fix the fence."

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A mailman is working on his last day before retirement. As he approaches a house the door is opened by a beautiful, scantily clad woman. She asks him if he has time to come inside. Being it's his last day, he says what the heck. The woman takes him upstairs and gives the greatest lovemaking he's ever had. When they're finished he says thank you very much, but he must be getting back to work. She tells him that she's not done, and that she wants him to take a shower and then come downstairs. More curious than anything, he does, and when he comes downstairs she shows him a table full of breakfast, everything he can imagine. He eats to his heart's content and then says that he absolutely has to get back to his route. One more thing, she says. Turn your plate over. He does and finds a dollar.

Ok, he says. I really appreciate what you've done, but can you tell me what's going on?

Well, I knew that today was your last day, so I wanted to do something special. I asked my husband if he had any ideas, but I guess he was in a lousy mood. He told me (screw) him, give him a dollar.

Breakfast was my idea.

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Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said "It's O.J. again. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."

"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"

He said "about ten gallons."

 

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Aunt Pamela

 

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

 

'Tony, do you have a story to share?'

 

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Pamela. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

 

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

 

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

 

'Stay the f--k away from Aunt Pamela when she's drinking.'

 

 

 

Slyder

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  • 1 month later...
Bill_Walker

Old McTavish had done his duty marching in the parade, and he and his mates had retired to the pub. Several hours later, as he was attempting to make his way home, he succumbed to the drink and passed out in the ditch alongside the road.

 

Toward morning, a pair of school lasses happened by and saw McTavish lying there, still unconscious, in his Tam o'shanter, kilt, clan tartan, the whole works. One lass turned to the other and asked "Do you think it's true what they say about what Scotsmen wear under their kilts?" "Let's find out!", said the other.

 

"It's true!" they cried, upon lifting his kilt. Then one lass decided to have a bit of fun with McTavish. She untied the blue ribbon holding her hair and tied it around a certain part of McTavish's under-kilt anatomy.

 

Some more time passed, and McTavish was eventually roused by nature's call. Turning from the road, he raised his kilt and found the ribbon, whereupon he exclaimed, "Och! I don't know where ye've been, laddie, but I'm proud to see that you won first prize!"

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I suppose you have all heard about the new birth control pill for men. It's about the size of a 1/2" marble. You put it in your left shoe.

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And it makes you limp.

 

 

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DaveTheAffable

How many california talk-show psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

Only one.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

... But the light bulb has to want to change. :grin:

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Guy rushes into a bar, asks the bartender to pour him 5 shots of whiskey, quick.

 

So the bartender starts to pour the shots and the customer says - you'd better make them doubles.

 

The bartender obliges and the customer starts knocking them back in quick time. Bartender says whoa there son, you don't drink like that. What's your hurry?

 

Customer replies - "If you got what I've got you'd drink like this too".

 

So, naturally the bartender asks " So what you got?"

 

And the customer replies...

 

 

"A dollar".

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