Universal Truths

[Boffin]

This was written in Real English, so here are some translation notes: Crisps = Chips, Chips = French Fries, Mobile Phone = Cell phone, Back Garden = Yard, mum = mom.

 

Universal truths

 

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8.) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the

first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood

specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

 

 

Andy

[WestTX RT]

Good out! Try these.

 

 

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

 

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

 

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

 

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

[Mister Tee]

5. Mormons are the authority on wives' tales.

[Fugu]

 

6. Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it is too dark to read.

[bakerzdosen]

It's impossible to look tough while drinking from a straw.

[Kitsap]

Doughnuts taste best on Friday mornings at work.

[waylap]

You just can't lick your elbow.

[EffBee]

You just can't lick your elbow.

Sez who?

[Joe Frickin' Friday]

You just can't lick your elbow.

 

I bet Gene Simmons could.

[Mister Tee]

You just can't lick your elbow.

 

I bet Gene Simmons could.

 

As would Richard Simmons.

[Les is more]

I wouldn't let Gene Simmons lick my elbow on a dare.

 

EffBee--Wow! Just, Wow!

 

Here's another-

 

Right after you irretrievably throw away that thing you thought you might need someday, you'll need it.

[VinnyR11]

When space explorers from another galaxy show themselves, they will not look dissimilar to a group Beemer riders in winter.

[Kitsap]

What a man can't find standing 5 minutes in front of the open fridge will instantly materialize when his wife reaches around to grab it.

 

What a woman takes from the fridge will be the last one

[SeanC]

You just can't lick your elbow.

Sez who?

I think I just injured myself trying...

 

---

 

The empty seat you sat behind in a movie theater will always be taken by a tall person with an unusually large head. (Pick a seat behind someone short instead.)

[Joel]

"Common sense ain't common." -- Will Rogers

[Dave McReynolds]

If you're backpacking and it starts raining, the best way to get it to stop raining is to stop and put up your tent. The best way to get it to keep raining is to keep walking.

[90%angel]

An elevator will inevitably show up just as you have given up and descended that first stair.

 

The person picking you up from the airport will show up just as you've decided it's going to be a while and put all your stuff down.

 

The lane you are driving in in traffic will start to move...as soon as you change to a different lane

 

If you are running late, traffic will be the worst it can possibly be

 

If you drop your toast, it will land buttered side down.

 

[Matts_12GS]

If you drop your toast, it will land buttered side down..

 

Unless of course it is strapped butter side up to a cat. Since toast lands butter down and cats land on their feet they'll just spin around in space

[ESokoloff]

If you're backpacking and it starts raining, the best way to get it to stop raining is to stop and put up your tent. The best way to get it to keep raining is to keep walking.

 

In bycycling for every uphill, there is a downhill.

For every headwind, there is a headwind

[Bud]

Water is stronger than rock.

 

Gravity always wins.

[Kitsap]

Others will always pick the faster checkout stand, or toll booth.

 

I still can't lick my elbow.

[Skywagon]

Your born where your born and you die where your wife is from.

[Quinn]

Men marry women thinking that they won't change.

Women marry men thinking that they will.

 

Women give sex for love.

Men give love for sex.

 

 

[DaveTheAffable]

Watch out for your karma running over your dogma.

[Silver Surfer/AKAButters]

You just can't lick your elbow.

 

...and everyone just tried that, right?

[Mister Tee]

If it flies, f****s or floats, rent it.

[Matts_12GS]

Never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear

[Knifemaker]

An athlete or team can have a perfect record until the sportscaster points out the fact of perfection to a television audience...

[EffBee]

EffBee--Wow! Just, Wow!

 

I didn't say I could (though I've tried and I wish). But I've seen it done (and not by a man).

[VinnyR11]

I guess some people can lick their elbows.

 

Plugged in "licking elbows" in a Google image search. Yes, it's a busy morning. Check it out... WHO KNEW??

[Joe Frickin' Friday]

A horse divided against itself cannot stand.

[Silver Surfer/AKAButters]

A horse divided against itself cannot stand.

 

Arguing with a zealot is only slightly easier than tunneling through a mountain with your forehead. Unknown as are most of the following:

 

Never turn your back on a charging turtle.

 

Never get in a spitting contest with a llama.

 

Projectile vomiting rarely gets you a return invitation anywhere.

 

The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else.

 

The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.

 

The quickest way to make someone ignore you is to start a sentence with "You should ..."

 

 

[hANNAbONE]

nEVER eAT anyting bigger than your head...

[Bud]

 

Never turn your back on a charging turtle.

 

 

Calling Ken to the white courtesy phone.