Practical Jokes

[Sonor]

When I was little, I really looked up to my great uncle Jess. He would often tell stories at family gatherings that were all true with one small exception. Then he would sit back and wait to see who (if anyone) would call his bluff. When they did he would burst out laughing. I think I have picked up on that trait, just a little. Looking back at women (other than my wife) with whom I have associated, I remember one time with one such lady, all the lights went out. Clearly it was a black out. She said, "Are we without power?" I said, "I don't know, go flush the toilet and if it works I guess we have power." Along these same lines, often my wife when leaving to do some shopping will ask if I need anything. While I have not done it (yet) I keep thinking I will ask my wife to go get a spark plug for the electric lawn mower. It is easy enough to say, "Jus tell them it is a Sears and they will get the right one for you."

As I type this, I remember a girl I dated in Boston. Her brothers once told her that she had to go to the service station to have the air in her tires changed. As it was told to me, they said, "You have to do that every couple of months as the air will settle and your ride will become bumpy." I guess the guys at the service station laughed for days on that one after she left.

So okay, let's hear some of your jokes. I know you got them, what are they?

[Rougarou]

The other week, I was at my dentist office for a routine cleaning.  The hygienist, a new girl, commented on my tan and asked "what ethnicity are you to be able to get so dark",.....I replied "Irish".

[Calvin (no socks)]

I have been training auto technicians and working on cars for 42 years at the same shop. I have sent trainees into the parts department for a variety of items: Blue muffler bearing grease, a compact bolt stretcher for work in close quarters, etc. Also asked them to retrieve a  left handed adjustable wrench out of my toolbox. Over the years the cars and technicians have evolved. Most recently asked one to find the "Glovebox delete software" and give estimate of out the door cost for customer. 

[Skywagon]

When I was a teenager working in a shop, they asked me to go get a 5 gallon bucket of steam.  It was next to the striped paint.  Didn't take the bait

 

[wbw6cos]

Onboard my ship, in Deck Division,  newbies (cannot remember the exact term) would get sent to the engine room for a steam sample, or BT Punch.  BT was the rating for Boiler Technician   Ask for one and they belt you one!  HA

 

I had been on that ship for a few months and my buddy tried to have a little fun with me.  He told me to go the the Bos'n Locker to get some waterline.   The term we used for rope was line.   Also, water line is the part where the water level is on the ship's side as it sits in the water.   On the side of the ship below that point is painted black and above that the side is painted haze gray.   

 

Anyhoo, this supervisor told me to go get some waterline so they can hang me over the side of the ship to paint the anchor (while we were moored pier-side.)  I thought it was funny, but the supervisor was dead serious; I knew what the water line was as I was involved in painting in a few weeks prior.  .  Okay, so I will go along with it.   I could not resist goofing off for a few minutes anyhow.   I get to the Bos'n Locker and the Petty Officer tells me that they are out - I would have to go see Luke in Engineering Dept to see if they have any.  Yeah, right.  I ain't goin down there and end up getting a BT Punch.  Eff this!  I go back topside to tell the supervisor that they were out and he asked me if I was told where else on the ship they had any and I looked at him straight in the eyes, with a pissed-off look, and told him "look over the side of the ship!   I painted that last month!"   He tried to hold a straight face, but busted out laughing, HARD!  That got me goin too.  What fun.

[roadscholar]

My dad's birthday was the same as George Washington's and our small town always had a parade on that weekend. When we were kids he'd say c'mon let's go the whole town is celebrating my birthday, we believed it for awhile : )

[TEWKS]

Dads can be funny, I may have told this one at another time. When we were young my older brother asked for a ham & cheese sandwich. My father slapped it together but didn’t take the plastic wrap off the individually wrapped cheese. 

[Rougarou]

1 hour ago, wbw6cos said:

Onboard my ship, in Deck Division,  newbies (cannot remember the exact term) would get sent to the engine room for a steam sample, or BT Punch.  BT was the rating for Boiler Technician   Ask for one and they belt you one!  HA

 

I had been on that ship for a few months and my buddy tried to have a little fun with me.  He told me to go the the Bos'n Locker to get some waterline.   The term we used for rope was line.   Also, water line is the part where the water level is on the ship's side as it sits in the water.   On the side of the ship below that point is painted black and above that the side is painted haze gray.   

 

Anyhoo, this supervisor told me to go get some waterline so they can hang me over the side of the ship to paint the anchor (while we were moored pier-side.)  I thought it was funny, but the supervisor was dead serious; I knew what the water line was as I was involved in painting in a few weeks prior.  .  Okay, so I will go along with it.   I could not resist goofing off for a few minutes anyhow.   I get to the Bos'n Locker and the Petty Officer tells me that they are out - I would have to go see Luke in Engineering Dept to see if they have any.  Yeah, right.  I ain't goin down there and end up getting a BT Punch.  Eff this!  I go back topside to tell the supervisor that they were out and he asked me if I was told where else on the ship they had any and I looked at him straight in the eyes, with a pissed-off look, and told him "look over the side of the ship!   I painted that last month!"   He tried to hold a straight face, but busted out laughing, HARD!  That got me goin too.  What fun.

 

Things only a military person would underestand:

 

padeye wrench

get me a roll of flightline

get me a roll of safetyline

Go tell the gunny you need a PRC-E7 (similar to the BT punch, PRC is a designation for radios)

You've got mail bouy watch (seen that posted on the green sheet on day one of a deployment)

Go to supply and get some BA1100N's  (BA is the designation for battery)

Go to Admin and tell them to issue you your ID10-T Card

I need some grid squares

We're patrolling at night, I need some illuminated grid squares

Get me a A1R sample, here's the bag (hand them a trash bag)

Get me a BFA for a 9mm  (BFA is blank firing adapter-no such thing for the 9mm)

E-tool quals were fun

[Hosstage]

I was working on a friend's car, he wasn't real handy in that regard. I was under the car, held my hand out, "9/16 inch wrench", he quickly hands it to me. Put my hand back out, "1/2 inch wrench", he hands it to me right away. One more time, "pull my finger". Yup, he grabs hold, I let one rip right on cue. Even he had to laugh at that one.

[Skywagon]

Pre college...was working in a shop that built off-shore rigs.  One had a bunch of red paint on it.  The parts cage was ran by a guy named preacher.  The chief sent me to the preacher to get a gallon of red remover.  Didn't take the bait, but was close.

 

Didn't know squat about welding.  Not sure I remember the exact technical details but do remember the jolt.  A guy named hammer told me to hold on to this metal table and this truck....he hit with me sometime of welding arc from behind that brought me to my knees.  The whole shop was laughing except me.  Later that day when they weren't looking I put undercoating on all their windshields.  The next morning I was fired.  Man I was 17 and needed that summer job which paid a lot more than flipping hamburgers at $1.00 hour.  I was making $2.25/hour and I needed that money for my freshman year....

 

[Rougarou]

8 hours ago, Skywagon said:

Pre college...was working in a shop that built off-shore rigs.  One had a bunch of red paint on it.  The parts cage was ran by a guy named preacher.  The chief sent me to the preacher to get a gallon of red remover.  Didn't take the bait, but was close.

 

Didn't know squat about welding.  Not sure I remember the exact technical details but do remember the jolt.  A guy named hammer told me to hold on to this metal table and this truck....he hit with me sometime of welding arc from behind that brought me to my knees.  The whole shop was laughing except me.  Later that day when they weren't looking I put undercoating on all their windshields.  The next morning I was fired.  Man I was 17 and needed that summer job which paid a lot more than flipping hamburgers at $1.00 hour.  I was making $2.25/hour and I needed that money for my freshman year....

 

 

Sound powered phones give a good jolt too.  Here, hold these for a second.  Hit the crank and zap 'em